Take Their Stuff: Ogres

Taking a break from the Goblin language file -- which is unusually complicated because I established in the previous Take Their Stuff that “Goblin" is actually three related languages... whoops. So right now I've got a vocab list for Proto-Goblin and a rough draft of the sound changes required to make the three languages. Anyway, I thought I'd take some time off from that and from my other project to do a new Take Their Stuff. The reason I've picked ogres is because of a particularly nonsensical line in the AD&D Monstrous Manual; I'll point it out when I get to it. This time around, I'm going to do a more structured look at the various editions' entries on the monster in question, and hit the major subspecies too, so let's get going.

The Propaganda

As previously established, we're starting with the assumption that everything in the original sources is bullshit colonialist propaganda. One thing to be noted ahead of time is that our opposite-alignment assumption is more flexible this time around, as some ogre subspecies (specifically, the Ogre Mage) are LE even though regular ogres are CE; so these ogres will be Usually Good (any).

AD&D Monstrous Manual -- Ogre

Ogres are big, ugly, greedy humanoids that live by ambushes, raids, and theft. Ill-tempered and nasty, these monsters are often found serving as mercenaries in the ranks of orc tribes, evil clerics, or gnolls. They mingle freely with giants and trolls.

Okay, so we're starting out harsh. Naturally, the propagandists want to immediately tell us they are ugly, greedy, ill-tempered, and nasty. Then the rest is... interesting. It looks like ogres are pretty comfortable with other species -- more so than humans, at any rate -- and primarily work as muscle for smaller folk. (Which, I mean, seems like the natural career choice for people who are naturally bigger and stronger than most groups around them.) Orcs, gnolls, giants, and trolls -- in addition to rhyming, that's a pretty broad range of people to “often" work for or “mingle freely" with. Note also that “mingling freely" with giants is almost presented as a negative here... curious. I also like that ogres work for “evil clerics", which is just asking for some logical fallacies.

“How do you know he's evil?"

“Well, he's got ogres working for him, doesn't he?"

Adult ogres stand 9 to 10 feet tall and weigh 300 to 350 pounds. Their skin colors range from a dead yellow to a dull black-brown, and (rarely) a sickly violet. Their warty bumps are often of a different color – or at least darker than their hides. Their eyes are purple with white pupils. Teeth and talons are orange or black. Ogres have long, greasy hair of blackish-blue to dull dark green.

The thing that strikes me here is that these guys are friggin' psychedelic in appearance, even though we never really see that in the illustrations. 

Also, “long, greasy hair"? Motherfucker, this is a medieval world. All humanoids have long, greasy hair because haircuts are a low priority and nobody's invented shampoo! Why are you picking on the ogres for it? We can also see that ogres don't have “skin" -- real people have “skin", after all -- they have “hides".

Their odor is repellent, reminiscent of curdled milk.

Okay, so first of all, talking about how an entire people smells is kind of rude. Second, personal odor is often the result of diet, so lots of ogres smelling like old milk probably just means they eat a lot of dairy products. Third -- and I find this pretty funny -- I'm told that “spoiled milk" is actually how white Americans often smell to other cultures, so I guess ogres have a lot in common with... many of the people involved in composing this book that tells us how terrible ogres are. I have to wonder if this line about the way ogres smell is actually a subtle shot some person of color on the writing staff was taking at their white co-workers.

Dressing in poorly cured furs and animal hides, they care for their weapons and armor only reasonably well.

I'm not really sure what “only reasonably well" is supposed to mean. There's definitely something sketchy there, but I can't suss it out.

It is common for ogres to speak orc, troll, stone giant, and gnoll, as well as their own guttural language. A typical ogre’s life span is 90 years.

Wait, it's common for ogres to speak five languages? Those are some cosmopolitan people right there, considering that their stats claim they have an average intelligence of 8. I think maybe they're being unfairly categorized there.

Ogre tribes are found anywhere, from deep caverns to mountaintops. Tribes have 16-20 males, 2-12 females, and 2-8 young. Shamans, if present, will be of 3rd level, and have access to the spheres of combat, divination, healing, protection, and sun (darkness only).

Okay, so like goblins, they pretty much live wherever they can -- even though they're big and strong, they have pretty small tribes, so an actual state can displace them easily. Hence why they live in “deep caverns" and “mountaintops" -- but, while it's not stated outright, I bet they tend not to be found on “rich farmland". Also, why the hell does every ogre tribe apparently have more men than women? Are ogre births particularly dangerous or something? 

Ogres live by raiding and scavenging and they will eat anything. Their fondness for elf, dwarf, and halfling flesh means that there is only a 10% chance that these will be found as slaves or prisoners. There is a 30% chance that an ogre lair will include 2-8 slaves. Captured prisoners are always kept as slaves (25%) or food (75%). Extremely avaricious, ogres squabble over treasure and cannot be trusted, even by their own kind.

Yeah, they're slavers and cannibals again. In AD&D, apparently every nonhuman species were slavers and cannibals. (I learned on the 3e books, and only played a few games pre-3e, so some aspects of previous editions seem weirdly foreign to me.) In this particular case, I have no trouble reading this as a bald-faced lie to keep adventurers from parleying with ogres. They can't be trusted, and they want to eat, specifically, the species that traditionally ally with humans. Sure, guys, sure. That sounds legit. Not at all like you're just trying to convince your halfling, elf, and dwarf allies to not risk diplomatic relations with ogres.

Ogres consistently plague mankind, lusting for gold, gems, and jewelry as well as human flesh.

Harsh. And, I'm sorry, are you claiming that humans (or dwarves, for that matter) don't “lust for gold, gems, and jewelry"? Oh, I see, that's different? Because...?

They are evil-natured creatures

Read: we don't like 'em

that join with other monsters to prey on the weak

Read: they cooperate with other species, which we consider to be Wrong.

and favor overwhelming odds to a fair fight.

Who doesn't?

Ogres make no crafts nor labor. 

Read: It's okay to kill them because they don't produce goods or capital. Of course, they must make something, even if it's just ogre-sized clothing. And they work as mercenaries, which sounds like labor to me... oh, I'm overthinking this? This is just a line to justify using the wasteland rationale on ogres? Gotcha.

AD&D Monstrous Manual -- Ogre Mage

Not going to spend a whole lot of time on these guys, but:

The oriental ogre has light blue, light green, or pale brown skin with ivory horns. The hair is usually a different color (blue with green, green with blue) and is darker in shade; the main exception to this coloration is found in ogre magi with pale brown skin and yellow hair. They have black nails and dark eyes with white pupils. The teeth and tusks are very white. Ogre magi are taller and more intelligent than their cousins and they dress in oriental clothing and armor.

What is all this “oriental" stuff? Okay, so, we know that the ogre mage is based more on the Japanese oni than anything else, and later versions just straight-up call them Oni anyway. But... why is that relevant within the game? Are the writers just assuming that every campaign world has a pseudo-Japan? I mean, their “Climate/Terrain" is listed as “Any oriental land", for Cthulhu's sake. Leaving that alone, though, getting back into the in-universe writing...

Okay, so other than the smart, magical, and... apparently Japanese.. nature of the ogre mage, a lot of this is pretty much the same as the entry for ogres. (Though apparently ogre magi have much smaller tribes.) A couple things stand out, though:

These monsters are extremely protective of their young and will battle with savage abandon to save one’s life. If a young ogre mage is captured, these creatures will pay high ransom for its return, but they will seek revenge and will never forget the insult of the kidnapping.

Why does this need to be spelled out? That seems like pretty much a standard humanoid mode of behavior. Except the ogre mage's “very particular set of skills" include flight, invisibility, and shapeshifting.

AD&D Monstrous Manual -- Merrow

The aquatic ogre, for the three GMs that ever managed to successfully have an aquatic campaign. Anyway, they're mostly what you'd expect for “ogre but lives underwater":

Faster and fiercer than their land kin, the freshwater merrow are greenish and scaled with webbed hands and feet. Their necks are long and thick, their shoulders are sloping, and they have huge mouths and undershot jaws. Merrow have black teeth and nails and deep green eyes with white centers, and their hair resembles slimy seaweed. About 10% grow ivory horns, especially the more powerful males.

I do like that some of them have horns like the magi. That's neat. Kind of ruined with the note that “especially the more powerful males" get them, though.

Aquatic ogres are very fond of tattoos, and females may have their entire bodies inked with scenes of death and destruction as a sign of status.

Okay, that's badass. That should be standard for all ogres. I mean, really, I think it should be standard for everyone, but that's probably excessive.

In times of scarcity, or when the lure of treasure becomes too great, a war party will attack the coastal villages of man. Merrow prefer gold and jewels and often overlook dull magical items in search of glittering prizes.

Written like human imperialists never attack their neighbors to... um... what was that phrase?

Anyway. So, yeah, it happens. Though given humanity's historical relationship with marine ecosystems and indigenous peoples, I'd bet there's usually a lot of provocation that the “coastal villages of man" are blissfully, intentionally unaware of. 

The goals of a merrow chieftain rule the tribe, and these power-hungry monsters seek to completely control their “kingdoms”, often leading to attacks on intruding ships. 

This sounds exactly like the behavior of human states, except filtered through a writer who thinks non-human territorial claims are illegitimate.

Merrow are ignorant and superstitious and have no skills but plundering and murder.

Damn, man, tell them how you really feel. I think we can take this as just straight species-ism with no basis in fact. 

Areas of the freshwater lakes and seas where they have influence are avoided by sailors and fishermen.

Nice of those sailors and fishermen to respect the territorial claims of non-humans. 

These monsters are carnivores, preying on all who enter their regions, often emptying the seas of life with their voracious appetites. 

Emptying the seas of life? That seems a little extreme for a tribe of a few dozen. Maybe the human fishermen just don't like the competition and it's gotten blown out of proportion.

AD&D Monstrous Manual -- Half-Ogre

When adventuring companies journey into the wilderness they often run into ogres; big, ugly humanoids. Occasionally, an ogre party will include one or two individuals that are a little shorter, but significantly smarter, wielding a weapon with more skill than might have been expected. They have a better understanding of their opponents, and they grunt commands that anticipate the adventurers’ moves. In this way half-breeds, the issue of ogres and humans, earn the respect of their kind.

Okay, so, half-ogres. The existence of these guys in sufficient numbers to justify their own MM entry is actually much less... dark... if we're assuming that ogres aren't the chaotic-evil assholes the MM claims them to be. Hey, maybe in the areas far from the centers of state power, where humans and ogres interact, interspecies romance isn't all that uncommon?

You knew a Shrek reference would have to appear in this entry, right?

Anyway...

Half-ogres speak common (more clearly and unimpeded than ogres), ogrish, orcish, troll, and one other, usually human, language. They live about 110 years.

So, longer lifespans than either humans OR ogres. That's hybrid vigor for you. Also, just a random shot there at ogres not being able to speak common clearly... maybe it's because it's their sixth language. How many do you speak, bucko?

Half-ogres posses infravision out to 60 feet. Their sense of smell is better than an ogre’s, but it falls short of a human’s.

Wait, do ogres have a limited sense of smell? I don't think that's been referred to anywhere else.

Half-ogres have no society of their own. If they live with ogres, they are the quick-thinking members of the tribe, ever on their toes to prove themselves worthy. If a half-ogre is reared in a human community, he learns to live with suspicion and fear, and often turns to a military or solitary occupation.

Ah, human communities. So tolerant of difference. Speaking of human communities and their half-breeds, the following is the line I called out as “particularly nonsensical" earlier:

Sages have expressed much concern over the years, wondering why ogres can interbreed with humans but not with elves or halflings. When the actual answer was discovered, the sages’ concerns proved unfounded. The explanation had nothing to do with any supposed common origin of humans and ogres, but rather in a unusual characteristic that ogres share with orcs: rapidly adaptive biology. Just as orcs and ogres can adapt quickly to any terrain, from forests to the highest mountains, their genetic construction allows them breed with any humanoid race. 

Read that again. They not only don't answer the question, but add additional reasoning as to why their answer doesn't work. 

“Why can ogres interbreed with humans but not with elves or halflings?"

“Oh, they have adaptive biology and can breed with any humanoid race."

“Right, so...  why can ogres interbreed with humans but not with elves or halflings?"

The whole paragraph reads like they're trying to cover something up. Especially that specific denial that ogres and humans definitely don't have a common origin. So I have a theory. Ogres aren't some other species that can inexplicably interbreed with humans: ogres are part human already. (Which is why they have such difficulty breeding with elves and halflings -- it's technically possible, but the odds are way longer than with other humans.)

So what's the other half? Well, ogres have the Giant creature type... and there is such a thing as half-giants. Kind of. See, in official D&D material, half-giants are specific to the Dark Sun setting, and they've never really properly percolated over to the rest of the mythology -- probably because Dark Sun was psionics-heavy, so half-giants used psionics, and nobody really wants to deal with the headache of psionics. I've put a few non-psionic half-giants in my campaign world, but they inevitably end up being rare because they're a pain to stat up and too powerful to use as a PC race.¹

So here's my explanation for the rarity of half-giants and the whole ogre situation: ogres are half-giants. The two terms are the same, but have radically different prestige levels. If you're high-born, and impressive-looking, and manage not to be ostracized by your community growing up, you get to be called “half-giant". It also depends on what kind of giant, of course. Being able to claim your father was a cloud giant is social currency, but if your father was a hill giant, you probably wouldn't want that getting out.

Top to bottom: cloud giant, stone giant, hill giant.
From the 3rd edition Monster Manual.

Since it's so incredibly rare for someone with giant heritage to be accepted into xenophobic human society, the children resulting from such unions are usually given to the giant parents -- or, depending on how xenophobic the particular community is, exposed on a mountainside. This tendency is only reinforced by the high mortality rate among human mothers of half-giant children... for, you know, obvious reasons. (Maybe this has something to do with the weird gender proportions in ogre tribes? It's still unusually difficult even if both parents are ogres?)

Half-giants raised outside of human society, or kicked out of human society, are referred to as “ogres". They often form their own tribes, as they don't really fit into giant society either -- like, literally, everything's built for people much bigger than them and it's inconvenient, so they prefer to get together with other ogres and build homes and tools at ogre scale. (Maybe this is why ogre tribes have weird gender proportions? The male ogres are more likely to feel insecure about being tiny and go off to do their own thing? I like that better than making ogre birth difficult.)

Over time, people who don't live on the frontiers have forgotten that ogres are just human/giant hybrids, or that “half-ogre" is a silly name for someone who is a quarter-giant. It doesn't help that the ogre tendency to form their own tribes has led to a lot of crossbreeding, so the ogre gene pool has bits and pieces of every type of giant in there somewhere, preventing any of the really-identifiable giant traits from standing out.

One last bit from the AD&D Monstrous Manual before we move on:

The half-ogre shares the ogre’s place in the ecosystem: that of a plague upon demihumans and humans, lusting for treasure and making neither crafts nor good labor. The beginnings of half-ogre poetry have been around for many years, but it is exceptionally ugly and disturbing.

Good gods, the humans-as-colonialist-villains setting practically writes itself. If I thought anyone would buy it, I'd already be writing up a gigantic sourcebook for it. 

3e Monster Manual

Ogre from the 3e Monster Manual

The 3e Monster Manual is a heavily-condensed version of the AD&D entry, which I find annoying. Put some damn detail into your monsters! The only major change is that ogre mages are no longer “oriental" monsters with their own thing going on, but are a subtype of ogre that often takes a leadership role among regular ogres -- and if they're aware of any other ogre mages in the area, they're more likely to cultivate a rivalry than join them. That actually fits my version of ogres way better -- ogre magi are ogres born with a stronger connection to the giant side of their heritage, and can actually access a handful of their supernatural abilities. If I were to stat up ogre magi, I would take away their default set of spells and have each ogre mage roll a certain number of times on a table that contained all the abilities of different types of giant.

Also, one more thing about ogre magi -- I object to the illustration they get in 3e. It's done by the same guy who did the 3e bugbear (you can pop back to the Bugbear section at the bottom of the previous Take Their Stuff if you don't remember the picture), and it looks like he followed the same formula and made it a giant musclebound hulk. That just... really doesn't capture the flavor of the monster, and seems painfully unimaginative. Here's the picture:

See what I mean? It's just all big, veiny muscles. 

Pathfinder Bestiary -- Ogre

Stories are told of ogres—horrendous stories of brutality and savagery, cannibalism and torture. Of rape and dismemberment, necrophilia, incest, mutilation, and all manners of hideous murder. Those who have not encountered ogres know the stories as warnings. Those who have survived such encounters know these tales to be tame compared to the truth.

 Holy crap. That's just... messed up. The propagandists are taking their libel to new heights here.

An ogre revels in the misery of others. When smaller races aren’t available to crush between meaty fists or defile in blood-red lusts of violence, they turn to each other for entertainment. Nothing is taboo in ogre society.

Good lord. Okay, well, we can take one thing from this -- our version of ogres can be anarchists with few societal taboos. Actually, if we keep the interpretation that ogre tribes are formed by ogres who leave giant society to form their own small communities, we can envision an ogre settlement as having kind of the same vibe as a frat house. Lots of young, male ogres partying and being irresponsible. That's actually kind of a fun idea.

One would think that, left to themselves, an ogre tribe would quickly tear itself apart, with only the strongest surviving in the end—yet if there is one thing ogres respect, it is family.

 Okay, so that's nice.

Ogre tribes are known as families, and many of their deformities and hideous features arise from the common practice of incest.

Never mind.

Actually, we can reinterpret that. Fraternities and sororities refer to their members as “brothers" and “sisters" -- maybe ogre communities do a similar thing, which has led humans to believe that all the members of the community are literally related, and therefore assume that the relationships within the community are all incestuous.

Regions inhabited by ogres are dreary, ugly places, for these giants dwell in squalor and see little need to live in harmony with their environment.

Pot calling the kettle black there, humans.

The borderland between civilization and ogre territory is a desperate realm of outcasts and despair, for here dwell the ogrekin, the deformed offspring and results of frequent ogre raids against the lands of the smaller folk.

The “ogrekin" are Pathfinder's version of the half-ogres. Admittedly, they're more interesting than the previous incarnations of the half-ogre, because ogrekin have to roll on Deformity tables, with beneficial or detrimental results, which is not a bad idea. Anyway, obviously ogres are also outcasts, and ogrekin are also ogres by any definition of the term, since we're saying ogres are all humanoid / giant crossbreeds.

Ogre games are violent and cruel, and victims they use for entertainment are lucky if they die the first day. Ogres’ cruel senses of humor are the only way their crude minds show any spark of creativity, and the tools and methods of torture ogres devise are always nightmarish.

 Again, just... wow. The people behind Pathfinder have much darker, more dramatic imaginations than their D&D predecessors.

Oni, Pathfinder Bestiary

An ogre’s great strength and lack of imagination makes it particularly suited for heavy labor, such as mining, forging, and clearing land, and more powerful giants (particularly hill giants and stone giants) often subjugate ogre families to serve them in such regards.

Bet you a gold piece that humans also enslave ogres for heavy labor. Actually, for that matter, why would stone giants, who are much bigger and stronger than ogres, want to use ogres for hard labor? I think it's much more likely that it's humans doing this.

Skipping the ogre mage -- as mentioned, in Pathfinder, the ogre mage is rewritten as an Oni. So it's not actually an ogre, just a type of demon that prefers to take ogre form when it shows up in the material world. And there are other kinds of oni that do other things. They look cool, though.

Pathfinder Bestiary 2 -- Ogrekin

So here's material from the Ogrekin template -- i.e., the half-ogre.

At their most merciful, ogrekin prefer to take living captives that they treat with widely varied levels of hospitality. 

Is it just me, or does that carry very little information? Their treatment of captives varies widely? This statement would provide zero help for someone preparing to interact with ogrekin.

Ogrekin are rarely encountered in settlements, though they often prowl close to a town’s fence or city’s gate, waiting for unsuspecting travelers. This lonely existence leads many ogrekin to tame and train wild animals, a practice ogrekin take to with ease by quickly establishing dominance over beasts with their prodigious physical strength. These pets form resilient bonds with their masters and remain fiercely protective even after their owners’ death.

That's friggin' adorable. Ogre communities have pets now, in my world. Loyal animals from species that usually aren't domesticated.

The few ogrekin who have found acceptance into more civilized groups are often used as dispensable tools, sent out as the first lines of defense to deal with potential troublemakers. 

Man, it's a good thing we civilized types aren't anything like those awful monsters, amirite?

The Rewrite

“Ogre" is the term used by humans to describe the results of crossbreeding between humanoids and giants.² In theory, this can be any type of humanoid, but in practice, it's usually humans. The results of such crossbreeding are rarely accepted in human society -- those rare few who are accepted are always referred to as “half-giants", never “ogres". The vast majority of these half-breeds are cast out or sent to live with their giant parent.

However, being an ogre in a giant community is rough. First, big as ogres are in comparison to humans, giants are much bigger. The ogre kind of has to get used to being the runt, and usually is born without any access to the innate magics many giants have, further setting them apart. Plus there's the whole lifespan thing -- most species of giant are much longer-lived than your average ogre, probably because of the aforementioned innate magic. As a result, it's not uncommon for ogres (usually young male ogres) to decide to strike out and live on their own. 

Hulking Ogre, Greg & Tim Hildebrandt

Centuries of ogres making that decision has led to a number of semi-permanent ogre communities scattered through the hills. (These communities usually have a significant male majority, as female ogres are more likely to adapt to living with their giant family.) The existence of ogre communities has allowed humans to pretend “ogre" is a separate species living out in the wilderness somewhere, and intentionally forget that those communities originally were founded by, and probably are still populated by, outcasts from human society. The further one lives from border regions where humans, giants, and ogres might actually interact, the less likely one is to be aware of where ogres really come from.

Combat

When in conflict with humanoids, ogres try to quickly overwhelm their opponents with their great strength. They don't really trust the concept of a “fair fight", because that's usually code for “let the humans outnumber you and get into strategic position". Instead, they try to avoid combat unless they're certain they can win, at which point they're liable to strike with overwhelming force.

Society

An ogre community is a celebration of freedom and self-discovery; at any given time, a not-insignificant portion of the population are ogres who have left a giant tribe behind. As a result, they cultivate a certain uninhibited nature that humans find off-putting. Ogre communities have no laws and few taboos; usually the ogre who has earned the most personal respect settles any disputes, and that's that.

Ghazbán Ogress, Mike Raabe

The head ogre, who doesn't have any official title, can really be anyone. In some communities, the eldest members tend to run things -- in others, it's the person who can take anyone else in a fight. If an ogre mage is present, they're almost always in charge. In a fairly large proportion of ogre communities, however, matriarchy has taken hold; the fact that ogre communities are majority-male, often by a sizable margin, means that the few women present are able to wield a large amount of influence -- and sometimes it's wielded with enough success that the rest of the community accepts that the women run things. Hence, matriarchy.

As implied by the lack of any official government or hierarchy, personal prestige is critical to an ogre. They will perform daring deeds and feats of strength in order to win fame, taking any opportunity to prove themselves. (Part of this, of course, is a slight Napoleon complex in those who grew up around giants.) It is very common among ogres to have elaborate tattoos depicting their achievements; in fact, tattooing is the art form that the ogres have most thoroughly developed. 

Ogre Recluse, Jim Murray

Ogres, unlike some hybrid species, are not sterile, and are fully capable of reproducing with humanoids or giants -- reproducing with species of humanoid or giant other than the ones they were originally born from is somewhat failure-prone, but technically possible. Due to the complications inherent in this sort of thing -- cultural barriers; issues of scale; human xenophobia; difficulties inherent in impressing a potential partner who is three times your height, will live six times as long as you, and can throw lightning bolts -- any ogres who join an ogre community are much more likely to have children with other ogres. This constant mixing of heritage from so many different species of giant and humanoid gives ogres a wide variety of appearances, even within the same community; humans, for some reason, scorn these varied appearances as incest-related deformities.³ 

Of course, some ogres never do join communities of their fellows. Many are able to live happily among the giants, and others make their own solitary way in the world. This latter group is usually encountered as hired muscle, since the intimidating build of an ogre is the easiest thing for them to trade on. Ogres with class levels tend to be barbarians or rangers, with the occasional druid here and there.

Ecology

Ogres are generally found on the frontier of human lands, regardless of the terrain. For obvious reasons, the natural habitat of an ogre is anywhere that humans and giants might mingle.They are omnivorous, and generally acquire their food by whatever means the nearest tribe of giants uses -- since it's likely that many ogres in the community actually grew up in the tribe.

Gray Ogre, Dan Frazier

Ogres are comfortable with hunting, scavenging, and foraging, but occasionally need to engage in trade and commerce. Since they don't usually produce trade goods beyond what they need for themselves, and their most developed form of art is done on their own skin,⁴ the community usually brings in money by hiring themselves out as muscle. In desperate times, they will raid human settlements. Since they're aware of how humans see them, they don't have any particular ethical issue with conducting these raids; they just don't do it often because of the risk of retaliation.

Any solitary ogre or ogre community is likely to have trained animals. Ogres have a habit of keeping pets, usually large species of animals that aren't really thought of as domesticated, but that the ogres have adopted into their family. Ogre pets are extremely loyal, and recognize the ogre community as their own pack. The bond ogres form with their animals prevents them from raising livestock for meat -- however, ogres do love cheese, so they often keep livestock for purposes of milking. Ogre cheese is generally avoided by more squeamish humanoids -- beyond the fact that it's made by ogres, the indiscriminate nature of ogre animal-husbandry means that it's often some type of cheese utterly foreign to the local humanoids. People are surprisingly reluctant to try, for instance, moose cheese.

Merrow

There are aquatic humanoids. There are aquatic giants. Therefore, aquatic ogres. I don't think more needs to be said.

Ogre Mage

There is a 1% chance of any given ogre being born an ogre mage. The child of an ogre mage has a 5% chance of inheriting magehood; the child of two ogre magi has a 25% chance.

Those individuals whom the humans call “ogre magi" are actually ogres who were born with a stronger connection to the giant side of their ancestry. This is unpredictable -- pretty much just a genetic lottery of recessive traits -- but the children of ogre magi are often ogre magi themselves. What exactly their abilities are varies widely; any power or ability a true giant has can theoretically be inherited by an ogre mage.

Due to their greater power, ogre magi are nearly always the head of their ogre community. It is, sadly, not uncommon for this authority to go to the mage's head and lead them to do foolish things like carry on elaborate rivalries with other ogre magi, or count coup against the humans just for shits and giggles.

To create an ogre magi, start with the stats for a standard ogre and do the following:

Step 1. Increase all stats except Intelligence by 1d6, rolling each stat separately. Increase Intelligence by 3d6. (Alternately, boost ogres to average-ish intelligence across the board and increase ogre-mage Int by 2d6.) Ogre mages are stronger, smarter, and all around more naturally gifted than their fellows, but the degree to which they receive these gifts varies from mage to mage.

Step 2. Advance the ogre by at least 1 HD -- more if you want this ogre mage to be a higher-level threat.

Step 3. Give the ogre mage Resistance 5 to one elemental type of your choice and Regeneration 5.

Step 4. Lengthen the ogre's lifespan. Ogre mages can live as long as your plot needs them to, but if you want to randomly determine it, roll 3d6 and multiply the result by 50. Note that the upper end of this range is longer than any known species of giant -- again, that's hybrid vigor for you.

Step 5. Roll once on each of the tables under “Appearance". Ogre magi are significantly different in appearance from other ogres and from each other.

Appearance of the Ogre Mage

Ogre Savant, Paolo Parente

Skin (d20)

1. Blood-red
2. Flame-orange
3. Grass-green
4. Jade-green
5. Jet-black
6. Like treebark
7. Metallic bronze
8. Metallic gold
9. Night-blue
10. Pale, glows like moonlight
11. Perfectly adapted for camouflage in the local environment
12. Reflective
13. Same color as other ogres in the community
14. Sea-green
15. Scales
16. Shiny and black like obsidian
17. Slate-gray
18. Snow-white
19. Striated like a rock face



Oni, 5e Monster Manual

20. Sun-yellow

Eyes (d10)

1. Blank white
2. Blue
3. Glowing
4. Iridescent
5. Like sunken pits in the face
6. Pink
7. Purple
8. Red
9. Silver
10. Yellow

Hair (d12)

1. Blonde
2. Blue-black
3. Completely hairless
4. Flame-red
5. Like copper wire
6. Normal, but grows leaves
7. Pale blue
8. Pale green
9. Pink
10. Shimmering and metallic
11. Silver
12. Violet

Other (d12)

Ogre Shaman, Paolo Parente

1. Born with runic tattoos
2. Drools paralyzing venom
3. Fur -- thick, gray, and lupine
4. Gills (amphibious)
5. Huge, gnarled tusks
6. Ice crystals constantly form on their skin
7. Ivory horns
8. Long, thin nose
9. Second, functional head
• 50% chance the heads have separate personalities
10. Single eye in the middle of their forehead
11. Skin hangs loose in folds
12. Third, functional arm in the middle of their chest

Step 6. Roll six times on the “Powers" table below. All of the spell-like abilities on this list are something that some type of giant in 2e, 3e, or Pathfinder actually had, though I've dialed down the frequency on many of them. This, in my mind, makes more sense -- there's no set of powers that all ogre magi have, but instead they inherit some grab-bag of powers from giant ancestors. The ogre mage uses these abilities as if they were a caster with levels equal to their hit dice, and all save DCs are 10 + Int bonus + spell level.

Powers of the Ogre Mage (d100)

Detect Magic 3/day Detect Poison 3/day Enlarge Person 1/day Fool's Gold 1/day Reduce Person 1/day Sculpt Corpse 1/day Bless 3/day Charm Animal 3/day Charm Person 3/day Detect Animals or Plants 3/day Endure Elements 3/day Entangle 3/day Protection From [alignment] 3/day Can summon and converse with dead ancestors 1/week Pass Without Trace at will Animal Messenger 1/day Blistering Invective 1/day Make Whole 1/day Spike Growth 1/day Tree Shape 1/day Animate Dead 1/week Augury 3/day Blur 3/day Cure Moderate Wounds 3/day Death Knell 3/day Eagle Eye 3/day Fog cloud 3/day Levitate 3/day Spider Climb 3/day Suggestion 3/day Scrying 1/week Call Lightning 1/day Clairaudience / Clairvoyance 1/day Summon Monster III 1/day Wall of Mist 1/day Darkness at will Gust of Wind at will Heat Metal at will Ironskin (constant) Speak with Animals at will Alter Self 1/week -- indefinite duration Baleful Polymorph 1/week Commune 1/week Cone of Cold 1/week Dream 1/week Passwall 1/week Summon Monster V 1/week -- can only summon a Large elemental (choose type when creating ogre mage) Wall of Thorns 1/week Aqueous Orb 3/day Bestow Curse 3/day

Contagion 3/day Daylight 3/day Fireball 3/day -- cold damage instead of fire Gaseous Form 3/day Quench 3/day Speak with Plants 3/day Stone Shape 3/day Commune with Nature 1/day Confusion 1/day Control Water 1/day Divination 1/day Hold Monster 1/day Ice Storm 1/day Plague Carrier 1/day Shout 1/day Wall of Ice 1/day Chain Lightning 1/week Stone Tell 1/week Wall of Iron 1/week Animate Plants 1/week Animate Stone 1/week Control Undead 1/week Lunar Veil 1/week Vortex 1/week Waves of Exhaustion 1/week Control Vermin at will Water Breathing at will Control Winds 1/day Dominate Person 1/day Flame Strike 1/day Transmute Mud to Rock (or Rock to Mud) 1/day Tree Stride 1/day True Seeing 1/day Air Walk 3/day Modify Memory 3/day Demand 1/week Earthquake 1/week Mass Charm Monster 1/day Move Earth 1/day Plague Storm 1/day Wither Limb 1/day Polar Midnight 1/week Freedom of Movement, constant Control Weather 1/day Summon Nature's Ally VII 1/day Harm 3/day Heal 3/day Sunburst 1/day Change one ability to “at will" or “constant" Roll twice

Sample Ogre Mage (rolled using the rules above & the Pathfinder ogre stats)

Duruhsiunig and Hantzugiling, Ogre Mage(s)

CR 6, XP 2400

CG Large humanoid (giant)

Init –1; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, all-around vision; Perception +3

Defense

AC 18, touch 9, flat-footed 18 (+4 armor, +5 natural, –1 size)

Hasran Ogress, Dan Frazier

hp 45 (5d8+20)

Fort +9, Ref +2, Will +4

Special: Regeneration 5

Offense

Speed 30 ft.

Melee dagger +10 (1d6+10)

Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.

Spell-like Abilities:

     at will -- Speak with Animals

     3/day -- Bestow Curse, Heal

     1/day -- Animal Messenger

     1/week -- True Seeing, Commune

Statistics

Str 27, Dex 11, Con 19, Int 18, Wis 11, Cha 11

Base Atk +6; CMB +12; CMD 22

Feats Iron Will, Skill Focus (sense motive), Toughness

Skills Bluff +4, Diplomacy +4, Handle Animal +3, Sense Motive +7, Survival +3, Perception +3

Languages Giant, Common, Gnoll, Orc, Goblin

Duruhsiunig and Hantzugiling have/has been the matriarch(s) of their community for over 100 years, and they still appear fairly young. Their skin is green as jade, and their hair a complementary shade of blue. Their eyes are gleaming, yellow, and constantly suspicious. Oh, and they're two heads on the same body with separate personalities.

Ettin, 3e Monster Manual

Hantzugiling controls the left side of the body, and maintains a love for the natural world that verges on crunchy-granola-stereotype. Given her druthers, she would devote all of her time to caring for the community's growing herds of livestock, or walking through the wilderness. Much of “her" half of the body is decorated with floral tattoos and stylized images of animals.

Duruhsiunig controls the right side of the body, and is deeply spiritual. By her commands, the community has built a pretty nice temple, and she tries to spend as much time as possible there in contemplation. “Her" half of the body sports a forehead tattoo of the holy symbol of Volkmar, god of fame and strength, as well as a collection of more traditional tattoos of her achievements and the deeds she has done in Volkmar's name.

Of course, neither Hantzugiling nor Duruhsiunig gets to spend a lot of time doing what they really want, because they are so frequently called to put out fires (metaphorically... well, usually metaphorically) in the community. A couple dozen ogres are living in D/H's community at any given time, and call on them to settle every argument and dispute. They also must constantly be on the lookout for potential attacks by humans or other large, organized groups. And, finally, the one thing they always agree on -- they have to prove that they are superior to Geginsahho, an ogre mage who lives in a community elsewhere in the hills. This rivalry has been going for decades with no clear reason other than the insistence of D/H that “he's just such a dick".

On the rare occasion that D/H's community is attacked by outside forces, D/H primarily plays a support role, shouting tactical advice as she bestows curses upon the enemy and heals any seriously-wounded ogres. D/H's community is always extremely well-prepared for any coming attack, as D/H always makes sure to include questions about imminent dangers in her weekly commune.

---

1 For instance, in a seafaring campaign, the ship's captain was a quarter-giant named ARGUS VON SNAGGABRUST who had NO VOLUME CONTROL and some UNCOMFORTABLY KIPLING-ESQUE VIEWS on what explorers should be doing. I'd originally planned for his mother to be an ocean giant, but I had to change that to his grandmother because a half-giant would be too big and powerful by the only rules I'd managed to dig up.^↩

2 It usually involves some sort of magic to get the two participants to compatible sizes.^↩

3 If you want to emphasize this, you could use Pathfinder's table of ogrekin deformities, or ogre subtypes.^↩
4 It's rare, but not unheard of, for a non-ogre to trade for the services of an ogre tattoo artist.^↩

D100 Table: Magical Mishaps

The following list of magical mishaps can be incorporated into any sort of spell-misfire table you happen to be using in your campaign -- I was thinking of possible results if someone tries to cast a spell beyond their normal capabilities and fails a caster level check, but it could really fit anywhere. I would recommend incorporating it into an existing table as a Really Bad Result -- like, usually the spell fails or backfires or acquires a random metamagic descriptor or something, but if things go badly wrong or the spell is WAY out of the caster's league, you roll on this table instead.

Art by Brian Snoddy, from the M:tG card “Backfire".

Unless otherwise stated, it is assumed that the spell does not go off.

Unless otherwise stated, lingering effects on the caster can be dispelled by break enchantment or similar, but only if break enchantment is being cast by a spellcaster of exceptionally high level. (I suggest twice the level that the caster was at when they suffered their arcane misfire.)

1. A dozen frightened doves erupt from the caster's hands.
2. A nearby inanimate object of the GM's choice gains the power of movement, superhuman intelligence, and a deep hatred of the caster & caster's companions. This should not be immediately apparent -- the object will bide its time and strike when it seems most likely to prevail.
3. A random NPC within 100ft gains a spark of the divine, and may ascend to godhood at some point in the future, or after death.
4. A terrifying fountain of pure magical energy shoots out of the top of caster's head and into the atmosphere. Nobody within a day's travel of caster can use spells, spell-like abilities, or magic items until the next sunrise.
5. All animals and vermin within 100ft of caster are Awakened; random alignments and attributes.
6. All containers near caster (especially caster's pockets, bags, &c.) tend to generate small, ill-tempered animals at inopportune times.
7. All of caster's acquaintances, PC and NPC alike, must roll under their Wisdom the next time they see caster; on a failure, they forget who caster is.
8. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, aimed at random targets.
9. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, aimed at random targets. So do all of the prepared spells of every other spellcaster in the area. This includes spell-like abilities. GM is encouraged to define “the area" in a broad and liberal fashion.
10. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, targeting caster.
11. All water caster touches turns to blood.
12. Any Small-, Medium-, or Large-sized, non-sapient, pregnant vertebrates caster passes within 50 ft of will produce offspring that are half-[caster's species], obviously resemble caster, and have 3d6 intelligence.

    

    ....fffffffather?

13. Anything caster comes in contact with ages at a rapid pace, decaying and becoming useless in short order.
14. At night, all insects behave as though caster is emitting bright light. No actual light is visible.
15. Caster acquires a huge, visible, highly-distinctive scar; caster distinctly remembers, with 100% certainty, that said scar is the result of a fight with a dragon several years ago.
16. Caster acquires a series of subtle tics and unusual compulsions that any experienced priest will recognize as classic signs of demonic possession. Caster is not actually possessed.
17. Caster acquires crippling phobia of [roll d12 -- 1: the moon, 2: buildings, 3: smooth pebbles, 4: gold, 5: the secret plans of the moth-folk, 6: snails, 7: flowers, 8: the color blue, 9: right angles, 10: religion, 11: possible invasions from the distant future, 12: writing].
18. Caster acquires lycanthropy. At the full moon, caster becomes a [roll 1d12 -- 1: hyena, 2: small lizard, 3: toad, 4: mule, 5: rhinoceros, 6: armadillo, 7: koala, 8: panda, 9: porcupine, 10: skunk, 11: giant tortoise, 12: platypus]. Caster has no control over the change; when under the effects of the full moon, GM takes control of character; animal form has opposite alignment of caster, but same knowledge and mental abilities.

    

    The number of stock images available for evil lizards is... unusual.

19. Caster and everyone within 100 ft. is shrunk to 1/100th of their current size. 
20. Caster appears faceless for the next 1d12 weeks.
21. Caster can make one wish -- however, player has exactly ten out-of-game seconds to formulate said wish and say it aloud. Starting now. GM is encouraged to twist the wish as much as possible. If caster does not make a wish, then the wish passes to the nearest sapient creature who opposes the caster.
22. Caster can no longer perceive sunlight.
23. Caster develops an obsession with constructing, then inhabiting, a vast underground complex.
24. Caster develops intense fear of the light.
25. Caster forgets the last 24 hours.
26. Caster forgets the next 24 hours.
27. Caster freezes in place, stares straight up, and screams at the top of their lungs. This behavior continues, without so much as a pause for breath, for the next 24 hours. The volume steadily increases this entire time; it is audible for miles around; people standing too close will be deafened.
28. Caster gains 1 minor mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
29. Caster gains 1 medium mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
30. Caster gains 1 major mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
31. Caster gains sense of magnetism -- they can now perceive magnetic fields.
32. Caster gains ten ranks in Knowledge (Things Man Was Not Meant to Know). Whenever any player rolls a Knowledge check, caster must roll Knowledge (TMWNMtK) and gain bizarre insights into the workings of the world that the GM is encouraged to make as insane as possible while still being related to the other Knowledge check being made. If the player gets an unmodified roll of 15 or above, they take 1d6 Wisdom damage; on a natural 20, they permanently lose 1 point of Wisdom.
33. Caster gains the ability to see all the things that normal people subconsciously edit out of their perceptions to maintain their sense of reality. Caster's sanity may unravel.
34. Caster gains the tendency to involuntarily befriend bees, which follow caster around and bring caster pollen.
    
35. Caster gets influx of partial knowledge and spotty memories from dozens of random individuals scattered all over a wide region. This is initially not obvious -- caster only gets the sense of their head feeling weird -- but caster now has the ability to make Knowledge checks about any subject (as Bardic Knowledge) with the caveat that the information they get is always incomplete, misleading, or useless. Caster may also discover they have gained several completely pointless skills, such as the muscle memory necessary to carve potatoes into obscene sculpture.
36. Caster grows dozens of extra teeth; only some of them are actually in caster's mouth.
37. Caster is henceforth prone to being summoned by summon monster spells cast from other Material Planes.
38. Caster is immune to magic, whether harmful or beneficial. This will eventually wear off -- after 1d4 days, roll a 10% chance each day that this effect ends. Do not tell the player that this effect is temporary.
39. Caster is now covered in tattooed script; an epic-level spell of the GM's choice can be cast (once) by reading the caster's skin like a scroll. (Said spell is as prone to casting mishaps as any other.)
40. Caster is plagued by constant ominous events: any journey they set out on starts on a gloomy, rainy day; the mournful croaking of ravens comes from virtually every tree they pass; livestock give birth to two-headed young whenever caster is in town; blood-red comets regularly seen in sky; &c.
    
41. Caster loses sense of direction. They cannot tell left from right, east from west, thisaway from thataway. If they travel without accompaniment, they will inevitably get hopelessly lost. This includes literally any journey that takes them out of sight of their starting point.
42. Caster loses sense of smell. This is temporary, but do not tell the players -- the caster will regain their sense of smell the first time they are in a situation in which lacking said sense would be an advantage.
43. Caster loses the ability to perceive distance -- whenever they try to determine how far away an item is, how deep a hole is, &c., the GM should give them a random inaccurate number.
44. Caster must roll Will save DC 17 whenever they enter a village or other population center to suppress horrific murderous compulsions.
45. Caster no longer has a head, but somehow still functions normally. (Maybe they eat through their neck?) Everybody the caster knows believes they have always been like this.
46. Caster no longer has a name. Nobody, including caster, can remember caster's previous name; any new name given to caster is promptly forgotten in the same manner.
47. Caster permanently swaps minds with caster's familiar.
48. Caster receives one year of someone else's memories from the distant future.
49. Caster receives one year of someone else's memories from the distant past.
50. Caster sees strange figures out of the corner of their eye at random inopportune moments.
51. Caster spontaneously gains the ability to understand, but not speak, the language of birds.
52. Caster suddenly acquires a telepathic link with a random being from the outer planes.
53. Caster suddenly acquires a telepathic link with a random NPC; odds are this is someone caster has never met before and who was previously of only peripheral relevance to the campaign at most. The bad news is that it is now literally impossible for the caster to successfully keep a secret; the good news is that, if the mind-linked NPC runs off to sell important information to the villains, the caster will know about it.
54. Caster swaps minds with target. If there is no target, caster swaps minds with whoever is closest.
55. Caster vanishes from existence; reappears 1d12 days later. Then the spell goes off as normal.
56. Caster, along with everything in a 1-mile radius, is shifted to a random outer plane.
57. Caster's age doubles.
58. Caster's mind is forced into a random magical item on or near caster; they can communicate in a manner appropriate to an intelligent magical item. Caster's body is alive but mindless; must be fed and cared for if party wants to preserve it.
59. Caster's skin detaches messily -- dealing damage to caster equal to half caster's HP -- then animates as an an undead entity intent on party's death.

    

    Shredskin, from the Pathfinder Bestiary 4

60. Caster's tongue bursts into flame, dealing 2d4 damage before it is completely reduced to ash. Caster can no longer speak intelligibly or cast spells with verbal components until healed by appropriate spell.
61. Every so often, the caster will hear someone's hidden thoughts instead of what they're actually saying. The caster cannot tell when this is happening.
62. Everybody within 100 feet of the caster is teleported 1d100 miles in a random direction. Roll separately for each person. This does not include the caster.
63. Gravity reverses for the caster, and only the caster, for the next 1d12 days.
64. Henceforth, any fire caster passes near becomes a fire elemental with its own agency, power of movement.
65. Henceforth, caster cannot help but answer all questions in excruciating, 100% truthful detail; caster also inevitably blurts out any information the party is trying to keep under wraps.
66. Magical energies overwhelm caster's nervous system. Caster is blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed until healed by appropriate clerical spells.
67. Nothing happens, but all witnesses are convinced the spell worked perfectly.
68. Produce 1 Galdikin.
69. Produce 1d4 Galdikins.
70. Produce 1d12 Galdikins.
71. Random items tend to appear in caster's belongings; eventually it will become clear that these items all link caster to a variety of high-profile and especially heinous crimes.
72. Temporal instability; everyone within 100ft of the caster (including caster) is sent 1d12 days into the past. Whether this includes animals, items, &c. is up to the GM.
73. Temporal instability; everyone within 100ft of the caster (including caster) is sent 1d12 millennia into the past. Whether this includes animals, items, &c. is up to the GM.
74. The caster attracts angry, stinging insects whenever travelling in an area where such things are common.
75. The caster has difficulty perceiving things of the color [roll d8 -- 1: red, 2: blue, 3: yellow, 4: green, 5: gold, 6: gray, 7: brown, 8: white]. Whenever relevant, caster must make a Will save DC 15 to perceive the item's existence.
76. The caster is swapped with a version of themself from a slightly-divergent alternate timeline. This is not obvious to the caster, the PCs, or NPCs -- but the caster will, over time, start noticing details that are... not as they remember them.
77. The caster's reflection gains sapience and the ability to travel between reflective surfaces at will. It has no loyalty to the caster, and may in fact never be seen again.

    

    Art by Phil Foglio, from the M:tG card “Mirror Universe".

78. The caster's shadow gains its own mind, agenda, and agency. This will not be immediately obvious; the shadow may spend a lengthy period planning and biding its time before acting in any way.
79. The echoes of the spell's misfire garner the attention of a powerful devil, who will begin involving itself with the caster's plans and the plot of the campaign in general.
80. The magical backlash causes caster to collapse into hundreds of still-living pieces. (Whether caster can still communicate is up to the GM.) If sewn back together, caster can continue living as normal -- however, a Craft check and a Heal check are required; DC 30 on both to reassemble caster accurately and subtly. For each number below 30 on the Craft check, caster's patchwork nature is increasingly obvious to the casual observer. (Even with a 30 or higher, anyone who sees caster close-up in a well-lit environment can see the stitching.) For each number below 30 on the Heal check, caster loses 1 point of Constitution due to being sewn together wrong.
81. The magical energies are channelled into pure destructive force; everybody within (10*X) feet of the caster takes Xd12 damage, where X is the level of the spell. Inanimate objects also take damage, though magical items get a save.
82. The magical energies warp the mind; the caster acquires an unexpected obsession or neurosis.
83. The magical energies warp the mind; the caster's alignment spontaneously shifts by one step in a random direction.
84. The misfire damages the fabric of reality; expect incursions from the Far Realm or the Realm of Faerie, to a degree matching the power of the spell.
85. The most powerful being within 100 miles will begin seeing caster in their dreams every night. Caster is not portrayed in a flattering manner. (Defining “most powerful" -- and whether we're talking about political power, magical power, CR, or what -- is up to the GM.)
86. The mystic energies burn inside the caster's head, then escape through their eyes. After a brief pyrotechnic display, caster's eyes permanently gain the appearance of hollow voids with distant embers burning within.
87. The next lie the caster tells will spontaneously become true through immediate and retroactive alteration of reality. The GM should not share this information with the players for obvious reasons.
88. The next time the caster is out of sight of the rest of the party, s/he spontaneously duplicates. Their opposite-alignment double will try to pass themselves off as the original.
89. The spell does not go off, but the misfire of the arcane energies garners the attention of a demigod previously unknown to the party. The demigod's alignment and degree of hostility/friendliness may be randomly determined, but said entity will inevitably get involved in whatever the party is currently doing.
90. The spell echoes backwards in time; the timeline alters as if the caster had cast the spell exactly 1d12 days ago, in whatever location the caster was at that time. The caster and the people in their immediate vicinity are the only ones who remember the unaltered timeline.
91. The spell goes off as normal, but its effects are inexplicably contagious, and will gradually spread like a disease to anyone exposed.
92. The spell has the exact opposite effect as expected.
93. The spell works perfectly, but acquires the [Evil] descriptor -- the GM should describe it in the most sinister manner possible, and any witnesses will be somewhat suspicious of the caster.
94. The spell works perfectly, but is unnaturally “loud" in a cosmic sense -- strange whatsits from the Astral Plane will come investigate.
95. The spell works perfectly, but on the worst possible target in the immediate area.
96. The spell works perfectly, but will go off again in exactly one day's time. If it is an area of effect spell, it goes off at at the same distance from the caster in the same direction; a targeted spell picks a target nearby; etc.
97. When caster is nearby, milk sours, animals fall ill, music becomes discordant, children scream and cry, &c.
98. Whenever caster speaks, crow's eggs fall from their mouth, one for each word.
99. This spell works fine; caster's next 1d4 spells provoke a roll on this table.
100. Roll twice and combine.

At the Newt Fanciers' Exhibition

For whatever reason, the Clamorous Newts seem to demand further attention¹. I have no explanation for this; perhaps, in the alternate universe where I have actually published some sort of RPG supplement, there is a chapter about Newts for no reason.

 As a result, I have felt compelled to describe what one might find at a gathering of the Newt Fanciers if one were in the market for one of these Newts -- as many PCs might be, given their utility and general adorableness. So, here's an entry regarding what they might find at a gathering of the wealthy eccentrics who breed these creatures as their hobby.

The Exhibition

An organization of Newt Fanciers -- called a “Court", rather than something so pedestrian as a “Club" or an “Association" -- generally shares a certain aesthetic appreciation for the decadent, dark, and decaying. As such, the venues for an exhibition tend to be abandoned temples or other such places that might provoke a thrill of the outré. Once the building is procured, it is given extravagant decoration -- tapestries are a favorite -- and magical lighting as available. It is then divided into three areas for the different functions of a traditional exhibition -- the Show, the Market, and the Ball.

Show

The most important aspect of the exhibition, and in theory the reason for everyone in attendance to be there, is the Show. The room in which this is placed will be lined with rows of tables, each of which holds a single ornate terrarium with a Clamoring Newt within it; these are the contestants for the exhibition's awards. Newt Fanciers walk up and down the rows, reading the small plaques attached to the terraria and assessing the competition. There are also nine masked and shrouded figures -- the anonymous Judges of the competition. The entire room is kept under a magical silence effect in case any of the Newts are skittish and try to Clamor at someone; as a result, the Fanciers, Judges, and subtle serving staff are forced to communicate with written notes and the complex, specialized sign language of the Newt Fanciers. Every so often, a servant will be sent with a note to locate a specific Newt Fancier -- they will collect their Newt from the terrarium, and retreat with the Judges to a specialized, isolated area within the building. There, the Fancier and the Judges will don rings of sonic resistance and the Fancier will instruct his Newt to Clamor & perform a variety of tricks.

Market

The smallest of the three areas of the exhibition is the Market. Here, stalls much like one would find at a traditional open-air bazaar cluster along the walls, selling expensive and high-quality wares specific to the hobby of Newt Fancying. Tailors will display cloth dyed and treated to be as perfect a match as possible to the colors and patterns of Newts, and will take orders from Fanciers to create garments that precisely match the appearance of their own Newts. Jewelers display Newt-themed jewelry for humanoids and Newt-sized jewelry for Newts. Glassblowers present ever-more-elaborate terraria, and various artisans sell toys, food bowls, and other components of day-to-day Newt raising. At least one artist is often present, taking commissions to paint portraits of those in attendance, with their Newts perched upon their shoulders. The greatest attractions, however, are the sellers of magical items² and the Eftmongers, who get their own section.

Ball

In many ways, the Ball is much like any other ball of the aristocracy -- wine, music, dancing, and exotic hors d'oeuvres -- but the people in attendance makes it stand out. In addition to the general eccentricity of the aristocrats who engage in this hobby, it is considered proper and fashionable for one to have a Newt as an “escort" to the Ball. Said Newt will wear a beautifully-crafted collar, to which is attached a fine and delicate chain, connecting back to the owner. The collar and leash are only for show -- the Newts chosen as escorts are the friendliest and best-behaved of the owner's collection, and it is considered a great social shame to be seen to be not in full command of one's Newt. In addition, the elaborate clothing of each individual is carefully designed to imitate his or her escort in color, pattern, and style. There is a long list of proper protocol for the ways in which one and one's Newt dress & behave -- from the more-commonly-used rules on what materials the collar and leash should be made of, to frequently-ignored rules concerning which Newts sit on the left or the right shoulder, to the exceptionally-stuffy rules on how more senior Newts (those above 15 years of age) should be honored, &c.

At one point during the evening, the Judges will ascend a stage within the ballroom and announce the winners of the various awards. This will include a Best in Show, a Best in Species, and a variety of categories relating to Clamor, Beauty, and Behavior. This signals the end of the Show, and the Market will begin closing not long thereafter. The Ball, however, will continue late into the night.

The Eftmongers

If one is well-connected, one can acquire Clamorous Newts from other Newt Fanciers. If one is brave and willing to roll the dice on what sort of Newt they'll find, one can go capture some in the wild. However, the easiest way to acquire a Clamorous Newt is to buy one from an eftmonger³, the vendors who sell them at the exhibitions.

The eftmongers will happily show you the various breeds of Newt they have on hand. The breeds, incidentally, have a specific naming pattern:

1. Start with the name of the original breeder or the region in which the breed emerged.
2. Add the descriptor associated with the breed's most interesting trait, OR
3. Add the descriptor associated with the breed's color/pattern.
4. End with the species name.

So Newt breeds are called stuff like the “Lysinkan Ebon Hellbender" or the “McPhee's Salient Olm".

Knowing the descriptor terms does not allow PCs to request custom Newts -- this ain't Starbucks. This system instead is meant to be used by the GM to randomize, ahead of time, what sort of Newts are being sold by the eftmongers and give them some jargon to spew at the PCs.

Species

Though, due to magically-assisted hybridization, the concept of “species" has gotten somewhat fuzzy when it comes to Newt biology, the traditional system of the Newt Fanciers recognizes 20 broad categories of Clamorous Newt, which are referred to as its “species". Newt “species" rarely have any biological basis -- two Newts recognized as the same species for the purposes of the exhibition might have radically divergent evolutionary histories. It's just one of those things. A GM randomly generating some Newt breeds for a trip to the exhibition should start by rolling a d20 to pick species from the following table:

1. Askard
2. Boterel
3. Chikila
4. Cordyl
5. Crepawn
6. Dipsa
7. Eft
8. Gangrel
9. Hellbender
10. Kemp
11. Lammig
12. Minhocao
13. Mollock
14. Mudpuppy
15. Olm
16. Ruddock
17. Serpent
18. Short-tail
19. Swift
20. Winder

Askard

Askards are smallish Newts with a preference for aquatic environments. The most important characteristic of askards in the eyes of the Newt Fanciers, however, is the mating finery of the male; though many Newts develop a more flamboyant appearance during breeding season, the askards do so to the most dramatic degree.
Bred for: High crests, bright colors, and complex patterns; all of these traits only show up on males during the breeding season.
Call or Clamor: Generally a high-pitched whistling noise, rising and falling through two or three tones.
Stats: An askard rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a +1 bonus to Charisma, and has a base price of 100gp.

A male askard in mating finery.

Boterel

Boterels have short tails and powerful legs. Their hind legs have small keratinous protrusions -- which the Newt Fanciers refer to as their “spades" -- that allow them to dig into the ground rapidly. Unlike many of their fellow Newts, boterels spend little time in water once mature, and prefer terraria full of loose, sandy soil that mimics their natural habitat below creekbeds and ponds.
Bred for: Prominent spades, strong hind legs, and a warty skin texture.
Call or Clamor: A deep croaking noise, often accompanied by an inflating throat pouch.
Stats: A boterel rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has a 5 ft. Burrow speed and a 10 ft. Swim speed, gets a +1 bonus to Strength, and has a base price of 200gp.

Chikila

The chikila is an exotic and much-prized breed. It is one of the legless, burrowing species generally considered exceptionally valuable and difficult to find, but this variety in particular is both impressive and elusive. Chikilas are also noted for their maternal instincts; a chikila dam will dote upon and provide for her children through much of their larval stage.
Bred for: Quick burrowing, vestigial legs, long bodies.
Call or Clamor: A musical sound not unlike a simple string instrument.
Stats: A chikila rolls 2d4 times on the Traits table, has a 10 ft. Burrow speed and a 10 ft. Swim speed, gets a +1 bonus to Strength and Constitution, and has a base price of 500gp.

A chikila dam curled on top of her eggs.

Cordyl

Cordyls are smallish Newts that prefer to spend their time submerged in water. There are few unifying traits among the cordyl species, as they are an extremely common and widespread type of Newt and there are many, many different breeds of cordyl out there.
Bred for: Varies.
Call or Clamor: A sound eerily like a human scream.
Stats: A cordyl rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 100gp.

Cordyl.

Crepawn

The ideal crepawn has a vestigial tail and long hind legs, but this is only peripherally important when breeding a champion crepawn. The most important feature of the species is the presence of a small bony nodule on its brow, between its eyes; this is called the Newt's “stone".
Bred for: Large, perfectly round stones.
Call or Clamor: Something not unlike the singing of tree-frogs.
Stats: A crepawn rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has an additional headbutt attack dealing 1 damage, and has a base price of 250gp. 

Dipsa

Dipsas are the smallest of the Newt species, and the uninitiated could mistake them for strange-looking earthworms. Dipsa breeds generally have vestigial legs if they retain legs at all, and have thin, snake-like bodies only a few inches long.
Bred for: Varies, but always includes a small size and snakelike body plan.
Call or Clamor: High whistles, like a teakettle.
Stats: A dipsa rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a -1 to Strength and a +1 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 300gp.

A dipsa in its ovner's hand.

Eft

Efts are a neotenous species of Newt, that never undergo metamorphosis into their adult form -- though there are several reports of captive efts, in unusual living conditions, metamorphosing into previously-unknown breeds. It would seem that various breeds of eft have triggers that cause them to take on their otherwise-forgotten adult form. Efts reaching full size in their neotenous form have full use of their Clamor. It should be noted that the eft is an aquatic species by preference, and anyone wishing to raise efts would do well to keep this in mind for the health of the Newt.
Bred for: Long, feathery gill stalks; interesting skin patterns.
Call or Clamor: Efts generally make small burbling or babbling noises to indicate their state of mind; their Clamor is an uncomplicated ear-splitting shriek.
Stats: An eft rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 300gp.

Two efts of differing color patterns.
Photo by Robert Röhl

Gangrel

The gangrel is bred for utility rather than beauty, though breeders of gangrels usually make an effort to make them worth showing off. Gangrels are useful in that they have no range limit on the bond they have to their owner, and can find their way back to them unerringly, guided only by the psychic link a Newt and its owner possess. Similarly, they are capable of understanding complex sets of geographical directions, and can travel to locations over a mile away at their owner's instruction. They are used to deliver messages, which they can carry in small scroll-tubes strapped to their backs.
Bred for: Long legs, short tails, speed, and intelligence.
Call or Clamor: Rapid musical trills.
Stats: A gangrel rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, has a 30 ft. land speed, gets +1 to Intelligence and +2 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 400gp.

Hellbender

The hellbender is the largest of the four-legged Newts, and the second-largest overall -- surpassed only by the pythonic Minhocao. They regularly exceed a foot in length, and some truly impressive specimens exceed two feet, not including the tail. They prefer to lurk at the bottom of freshwater pools, but are capable of accompanying their owner out of the water for extended periods. Like the gangrel, they are bred for utility rather than beauty -- the elegant water features on the estate of an eccentric aristocrat may well be home to a small cadre of loyal guard-hellbenders.
Bred for: Size, power, dark & subtle color patterns.
Call or Clamor: Somewhat like the notes of a bassoon.
Stats: A hellbender rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, has a size of Tiny rather than Diminutive, gets +1 to its base attack bonus and +2 to Strength, and has a base cost of 400gp.

A hellbender at rest.
Photo credit: Bronx Zoo

Kemp

The kemp is a legless saltwater Newt, often mistaken for a small eel by the uninformed. Curiously, this species has no lungs, but breathes directly through its skin. This can make it difficult to transport out of the oceans, so those who raise or keep kemps are often obliged to invest in a special enchanted collar that allows the Newt to spend time comfortably in the open air -- where it often enjoys resting around its owner's shoulders like a thin scarf.
Bred for: Exotic color patterns, friendly demeanor.
Call or Clamor: Very much like whalesong.
Stats: A kemp rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, has a land speed of 5 ft., a Swim speed of 30 ft., and a base cost of 350gp.

A kemp with a rather plain color pattern, resting on a dock.
Photo by B.S.F. Silva

Lammig

The lammig is strange, rare, and difficult to breed successfully. It has a thin but tough membrane connecting its fore and hind legs, which allows it to glide through the air. Breeders have managed to create many varieties that are also capable of leaping impressively high, thus allowing it to almost counterfeit flight over short distances -- and a few that can actually fly, if somewhat clumsily. In addition, a lammig's long tail is tipped with a venomous stinger, making it dangerous to handle.

Bred for: Gliding capabilities.
Call or Clamor: A guttural hiss.
Stats: A lammig rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, possesses a venomous sting that mimics the effects of Newt Poison (on the Traits table), and has a base price of 750gp. Lammigs also possess the ability to glide 5ft through the air for every 1ft they fall; there is a 50% chance that a given breed can leap several feet into the air, and a 5% chance a given breed has true flight capabilities.

Minhocao

The minhocao is the most recent addition to the exhibitions of the Newt Fanciers. For a long time, it was unknown to the world at large, as it inhabited only the deepest parts of a certain vast and untamed jungle. There, it ruled as apex predator, and few sapient beings survived meeting it. Thus, it was only relatively recently that someone who recognized it for what it was survived long enough to establish a mental bond with it and introduce the new species to society. The minhocao is legless, and in its natural environment, can be found coiled around tree branches several feet off the ground, from which it can aim its Clamor at passing beasts. A healthy adult minhocao can exceed four feet in length, and rumors persist of larger specimens in the very heart of the jungle that grow to the size of pythons.
Bred for: Size and beauty.
Call or Clamor: Their everyday vocalizations are similar to those of a mid-sized dog; their Clamor is a boneshaking roar.
Stats: A minhocao rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, gets +4 to Strength, +2 to Constitution, and -2 to Dexterity, has a 20 ft. range on its Clamor, does 4d6 damage with its Clamor, is Small rather than Diminutive, and has a base price of 1000gp.

Mollock

The mollock is another “utility" newt; it is, more than any other species raised by the Newt Fanciers, following the original purpose of the Clamoring Newts as created by the aboleths -- a personal defense weapon. Mollocks have a calm, quiet demeanor; they are happiest when napping on their owner's shoulder. A well-trained mollock, however, can go from asleep to actively Clamoring in a matter of seconds.
Bred for: Power and range of Clamor; well-behaved and calm personality.
Call or Clamor: Mollocks generally make only quiet peeps and murmurs to communicate; their Clamor is a short, sharp blast of sound.
Stats: A mollock rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, does 4d4 damage with its Clamor, and has a base price of 200gp.

Mudpuppy

Mudpuppies are among the most varied breeds of Newt in terms of appearance. They are friendly, energetic, and affectionate creatures that are often kept as beloved pets simply for their charming personality. Due to the danger of their Clamor, however, they are usually sold along with an enchanted collar that keeps them from inadvertently doing sonic damage; one can usually get by for a long time without making this purchase, as mudpuppies are not particularly aggressive, and like all Clamoring Newts, will obey their owner's instructions -- however, there is an occasional incident wherein someone who is a stranger to the mudpuppy gets an unpleasant surprise when visiting late at night. Mudpuppies generally prefer to avoid direct sunlight, and will, given the chance, retreat into the mud at the bottom of their aquarium during the midday hours.
Bred for: Varies widely, but usually with an eye towards good companionship
Call or Clamor: A wide variety of different vocalizations to communicate, but a Clamor like a wolf's howl.
Stats: A mudpuppy rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, does only 2d4 damage with its Clamor, gets a +2 to Charisma, and has a base price of 250gp.

A mudpuppy in its aquarium.

Olm

The olm is a species of pale, eyeless Newt adapted for lightless environments. They are considered the most naturally beautiful of Newt species, and all olms have the same color pattern (as shown below). Their sinuous grace is much-praised among the Newt Fanciers, and they are even the subject of a small corpus of poetry.
Bred for: Translucent flesh, graceful movement.
Call or Clamor: Quiet whispers for everyday communication; a mournful howl as its Clamor.
Stats: An olm rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, gets +4 to Dexterity and +1 to Charisma, and has a base price of 500gp.

An olm in an underground sea.
Photo by Arne Hodalič

Ruddock

The ruddock is a fairly sedentary creature, running to slightly rounder-than-normal body plans. In its natural habitat, it remains still and camouflaged while waiting for its prey to come near; though the more exciting color patterns in ruddocks bred for the exhibition prevent it from resembling a clump of dirt or a pebble, the instinct remains. The unique feature of the ruddock species is its bite -- it is the only species of Newt that naturally has a venomous bite. For this reason, ruddocks must be carefully handled, and breeders who work with them demand high prices.
Bred for: Complex color patterns, long teeth.
Call or Clamor: Variety of croaking sounds.
Stats: A ruddock rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, inflicts Newt Poison (see Traits table) with its bite attack, and has a base price of 350gp.

Serpent

The serpent generally has vestigial legs -- if it has any at all -- and is entirely covered with glittering scales. As the only species of Newt to possess scales naturally, it is generally bred to showcase this trait.
Bred for: Bright, shining, strong scales of many colors.
Call or Clamor: A sound weirdly like laughter.
Stats: A serpent rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has +2 natural armor, and has a base price of 250gp.

Short-tail

The short-tail, as one might expect, has only a small vestigial tail. The species also tends to have little division between its head and its body, with the result that it is often described as resembling a potato with legs. Those who breed short-tails frequently also describe them as adorable.

Bred for: Warty skin, “potato" shape.
Call or Clamor: Grumbling and chirping in everyday communication; a sharp “pah!" noise as its Clamor.
Stats: A short-tail rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 100gp.

An unhappy short-tail.

Swift

The swift is a species with a long tail and quick reflexes. Over time, most breeds of swift have been selected for longer and more exaggerated tails, to the point that it is now common for a swift to have a tail two to three times the length of its body. They also have unusually-shaped heads, with bony protrusions to either side.
Bred for: Long tails, boomerang-shaped heads.
Call or Clamor: Whistles, hums, and flute-like “singing".
Stats: A swift rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets +2 to Dexterity, has a 20 ft. land speed and a 40 ft. Swim speed, and has a base price of 200gp.

Wild swifts -- without selective breeding, their tails only reach the length of their own body.
Source.

Winder

The winder has a thin body, short legs -- almost vestigial -- and a hard, streamlined head. Its tail and body are both impressively long; a winder can reach nearly two feet in length despite not being much bigger around than a common earthworm. Notably, a winder is named for the way it winds around its owner -- they are hematophagous, not unlike leeches, and will attach to a larger creature, subsisting on small amounts of its blood. They do not take enough at any one time to cause injury or ill effects from a host the size of a humanoid, so less squeamish owners allow their winders to attach to a spot on their back or shoulder and feed directly from them; others opt to keep cattle or similar handy as food sources.
Bred for: Length, various color patterns.
Call or Clamor: Snakelike hisses and high-pitched squeals.
Stats: A winder rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a +1 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 150gp.

Colors

The following recognized color patterns have specific terms associated with them, and one can roll a d100 to choose randomly when generating a Newt.

1. Aeruginous -- Streaks and speckles of blue and green.
2. Atred -- Black spots, blotches, and streaks.
3. Bald -- White head.
4. Banded -- A series of rings down the length of the body.
5. Bausond -- Very dark with white markings.
6. Bepurfurate -- A pattern of red rosettes.
7. Beryl -- Extremely pale, with specks of green.
8. Blanched -- Very pale.
9. Blushing -- Very light pink.
10. Bunt -- Patches and spots of many different colors.
11. Caesious -- Green with grey markings.
12. Carbuncly -- Red with iridescent highlights.
13. Caudal -- A single stripe down the back.
14. Cerulescent -- Mottled with various shades of blue and slightly iridescent.
15. Chrysoprase -- Green with thin streaks of other colors.
16. Cinereous -- Gray with spots.
17. Cinnabrian -- Red marks on the face.
18. Clarified -- Red shading to orange, with streaks of yellow.
19. Coccineous -- Striped with red.
20. Corbeau -- Extremely dark green.
21. Cramoisy -- Reddish with blue or purple streaks or speckles.
22. Croceous -- Yellow with red and orange markings.
23. Damasked -- A pattern of red rosettes.
24. Dapper -- Any extremely complex, multi-colored pattern that cannot be easily categorized.
25. Dappled -- White blotches.
26. Diamondback -- A row of diamonds or lozenges along the back.
27. Ebon -- Black with iridescent highlights.
28. Emeraldine -- Green with iridescent highlights.
29. Ferruginous -- Rust-colored with speckles of grey.
30. Festucine -- Pale yellow with stripes.
31. Flammeous -- A red belly.
32. Flavescent -- Yellow with iridescent highlights.
33. Flaxen -- Very light yellow.
34. Fleeten -- Very light blue.
35. Forgotten -- Blue rosettes.
36. Fuscous -- Coffee-colored.
37. Gamboge -- Mustard-colored.
38. Garled -- Spots of irregular size and shape.
39. Glaucy -- Sea-green.
40. Haematine -- Blood-red speckles or blotches.
41. Heliotrope -- An especially vivid pink.
42. Helmeted -- A dark patch on the head.
43. Hoary -- Grey.
44. Incandent -- White with iridescent highlights.
45. Incarnadine -- Bright red with pinkish markings.
46. Jacinth -- A very deep, rich purple.
47. Jaundiced -- Yellow.
48. Lateritious -- Brownish-red with a striped pattern.
49. Mazarine -- An especially vivid blue.
50. Meline -- Yellow with greenish highlights.
51. Mellifluous -- Honey-colored.
52. Miniaceous -- Red with orange spots or streaks.
53. Murrey -- A dark red shading to purple.
54. Nacarine -- Speckled in various hues of red.
55. Nacreous -- A grey that shimmers in various colors, like mother-of-pearl.
56. Oriented -- The varying shades of a sunrise.
57. Pale -- White.
58. Parchment -- The pale color of parchment.
59. Pavonaceous -- A bluish-green belly.
60. Pawed -- Feet a different color from the rest of the patterning.
61. Perse -- Dark blue with markings of grey or purple.
62. Phoeniceous -- An extremely bright red.
63. Piebald -- Black and white patches.
64. Pinned -- Thin, straight stripes.
65. Porphyry -- Purple with streaks of grey.
66. Porraceous -- Pale green stripes.
67. Prasine -- Pale green blotches.
68. Pullous -- Very dark, but not black.
69. Punctuated -- Small black spots.
70. Puniceous -- Red with highlights of purple or yellow.
71. Rosetted -- Leopard-like blotches.
72. Rubiginous -- Rust-colored.
73. Rubricated -- Red spots, blotches, and streaks.
74. Rufulous -- Red spots.
75. Rutilant -- Red speckled with light brown or dark yellow.
76. Sable -- Black.
77. Sanguine -- Blood-red.
78. Sapphirine -- Blue with iridescent highlights.
79. Shanked -- Legs a different color from the rest of the patterning.
80. Skewbald -- Brown and white patches.
81. Smaragdine -- An especially vivid green.
82. Spadiceous -- Brown with streaks of red.
83. Stippled -- Small, hard-to-see spots.
84. Sulphureous -- Patches in various shades of yellow.
85. Supercilious -- A mark over one or both eyes.
86. Testaceous -- A reddish, terracotta-esque color.
87. Torquate -- A ring around the neck.
88. Torrid -- Black with specks or highlights of grey, red, and brown.
89. Trimaculate -- A grouping of three spots on the head.
90. Trivirgate -- Exactly three stripes.
91. Tuly -- Thin stripes of reddish shades.
92. Verdant -- Complex patterns in various shades of green.
93. Verdigris -- Green with coppery flecks.
94. Vermiculated -- Wavy lines.
95. Vertical -- Green stripes.
96. Vinaceous -- The color of red wine.
97. Virent -- Green spots.
98. Vittate -- Striped.
99. Watchet -- Green highlights.
100. Yteiled -- Tail a different color from the rest of the patterning.

Traits

This list of traits is slightly edited -- I've removed many of the options that are characteristic of Newt species, now that I have that aspect written, and added more weird heritage options, which probably result from use of the aforementioned potions of indiscriminate fecundity⁴. This list also includes terms to describe many of the traits, which might be used in the name of the breed; some have no terms associated with them, because they lack notability, are something the eftmonger might be unaware of, or are something they might not want to advertise. Each also includes a modifier to the base price of the Newt, for the further... enjoyment of your players. Naturally, it is still numbered for use as a d100 table.

1. Amphisbaenic -- Has an extra head. -- price +500gp
2. Anarchic -- Has heritage from the planes of chaos. -- price x2
3. Anoneiric -- Doesn't sleep. -- price x1.5
4. Armored -- Has very thick scales; +2 natural AC. -- price x1.5
5. Axiomatic -- Has heritage from the planes of law. -- price x2
6. Bifurcate -- Has a forked tail. -- no price modifier
7. Bitter -- Spits acid; 10-ft range, 1d4 damage. -- price x2
8. Carnassial -- Has very long fangs; increase bite damage by one die type. -- price x1.5
9. Chattering -- Is very vocal, and mutters to itself constantly. -- no price modifier
10. Clawed -- Has sharp claws. Rar! (Add two 1-damage claw attacks.) -- price x1.5
11. Crested -- Has a crest along its back. -- no price modifier
12. Cryptic -- Can change color like a chameleon. -- price +500gp
13. Cunning -- Has an extra minor magical ability; pick a 0-level spell off the Sorcerer/Wizard spell list at random; it's a 1/day spell-like ability. -- price x1.5
14. Diabolical -- Has fiendish blood. -- price x2
15. Draconic -- Has draconic blood. -- price x2
16. Echoing -- Can echolocate. -- price +250gp
17. Eldritch -- Generates infrasound; instead of deafening or dazing targets, its Clamor has an effect like that of cause fear. -- price +150gp
18. Emulous -- Engages in parrot-like mimicry. -- price +100gp
19. Ensate -- Has a large, flat, paddle-shaped tail; double swim speed. -- price +100gp
20. Fanged -- Is venomous; can use its fangs to inject Newt Poison. -- price x1.5
21. Feathered -- Has long, feathery external gill stalks. Look at the pretty little guy! -- price +100gp
22. Flagelliferous -- Has a tail at least twice the length of its body. -- no price modifier
23. Fodient -- Digs a lot; add a burrow speed of 5 ft. If it already has a burrow speed, double that speed. -- price +200gp
24. Foul -- Secretes awful-smelling muck when disturbed. -- no price modifier
25. Frilled -- Has a neck frill. -- no price modifier
26. Fugal -- Can create hypnotic patterns on its skin. -- price x1.5
27. Galling -- Is incredibly poisonous. With patience and care, one can collect enough of its skin secretions to make one dose of Newt Poison each day. (Newt Poison, which is more poisonous to people than it is to newts, is administered by ingestion. Fort DC: 12, onset: 10 minutes, frequency: 1/minute for 10 minutes, effect: 1d4 Str, cure: 2 saves.) -- price x2
28. Galvanic -- Can generate an electric shock; 1d4 damage, touch only. -- price x1.5
29. Glass -- Has transparent flesh. -- price +150gp
30. Globular -- Inflates like a blowfish. -- price +200gp
31. Grave -- Has an especially low-pitched tone; the area of effect of its Clamor is a 5-foot radius. -- price +100gp
32. Great -- Is unusually large; increase size category by one. -- price x1.5
33. Gregarious -- Is highly social; always encountered in groups of four or more.  -- no price modifier, but the eftmonger will try and convince you to buy a bunch of them for the psychological health of your Newt.
34. Cowled -- Has a large, bulbous head. -- no price modifier
35. Hollow -- Has an expandable stomach and swallows things many times its own size. -- price +200gp
36. Horned -- Has horns. -- no price modifier
37. Hunting -- Has a sense of smell like a bloodhound.  -- price +300gp
38. Keen -- Has an especially high-pitched tone; the area of effect of its Clamor is a 20-foot line. -- price +100gp
39. Lambitating -- Can shoot its tongue out of its mouth to catch insects. -- no price modifier
40. Longshanked -- Has long legs; double speed. -- price +100gp
41. Nettled -- Stings if you touch it; 1d4 damage. -- price +100gp
42. Ocular -- Has particularly big eyes. -- no price modifier
43. Piked -- Has spines; add a melee attack for 1d4 damage.  -- price x1.5
44. Piping -- Can squeak like a mouse. -- no price modifier
45. Plated -- Is segmented like an earthworm. -- no price modifier
46. Polypod -- Has an extra pair of legs. -- price +300gp
47. Prognathous -- Has a long, thin, gharial-esque jaw. -- no price modifier
48. Pygmy -- Is unusually small; decrease size category by one. Tiny baby! -- price x1.5
49. Quirking -- Can croak like a frog. -- no price modifier
50. Rheuming -- Can spit mucus ten feet. -- price +100gp
51. Ribboned -- Uses rippling fins on the side of its body to swim around. -- price +50gp
52. Ridged -- Has alligator-like bony plating; +3 natural AC.  -- price x2
53. Salient -- Can jump several feet in the air. -- price +150gp
54. Scaled -- Has scales; +1 natural AC. -- price +150gp
55. Scandent -- Climbs trees; add a 5ft. climb speed. If it already has a climb speed, double that speed. -- price +200gp
56. Scutted -- Has an extra tail. -- price +150gp
57. Seraphic -- Has celestial blood.  -- price x2
58. Setose -- Can walk up walls. -- price x1.5
59. Shimmering -- Is bioluminescent and can flash complicated light-shows on its skin. -- price +250gp
60. Shining -- Is bioluminescent. -- price +100gp
61. Shivering -- Can break glass or crystal with its Clamor. -- price +50gp
62. Silent -- Is silent; Clamor deals force damage rather than sonic, and always dazes rather than deafens. -- price x3
63. Singing -- Sings like a tree-frog. -- no price modifier
64. Slangrel -- Is especially long and thin, like a snake. Or a shoelace. -- no price modifier
65. Spawling -- Can spit jets of water with frightening precision; 10ft range, 1 damage. -- price +200gp
66. Spectacled -- Has an extra pair of eyes. -- price +250gp
67. Splendid -- Is bioluminescent and slightly magical; casts light on itself 3/day as a spell-like ability. -- price +500gp
68. Syndactyl -- Has long, webbed digits; double swim speed. -- price +100gp
69. Trumpeting -- Is particularly loud; add 1d6 to Clamor damage and increase the save DC by 2. -- price x3
70. Vampiric -- Feeds by sucking the blood out of its prey. -- no price modifier
71. Vermiceous -- Has wee tentacles on either side of its mouth. -- no price modifier
72. Vespertine -- Can see in the dark; replace low-light vision with darkvision. -- price +100gp
73. Viscous -- Is extra slimy. -- no price modifier
74. Visionary -- Secretes hallucinogens. Wanna lick? -- price +500gp
75. Visive -- Has bulging eyes. -- no price modifier
76. Volitant -- Can glide through the air on skin flaps. -- price x1.5
77. Wenned -- Is all warty. -- no price modifier
78. Whispering -- Can hiss like a snake. -- no price modifier
79. Whistling -- Makes complex whistling noises. -- no price modifier
80. n/a -- Bites like hell; will attack anything in reach other than its master. -- no price modifier
81. n/a -- Can cause permanent deafness with its Clamor. -- price +200gp
82. n/a -- Can form hive-minds with other Clamorous Newts (does not work if the Newts are bonded to two different people). -- no price modifier, and the eftmonger probably doesn't know about it.
83. n/a -- Can see into the infrared. -- no price modifier
84. n/a -- Can see into the ultraviolet. -- no price modifier
85. n/a -- Can track prey by body heat. -- price +50gp
86. n/a -- Has a taste for human(oid) flesh. Watch your fingers. -- no price modifier, and the eftmonger won't tell you.
87. n/a -- Has developed a particularly complex skin pattern. -- no price modifier
88. n/a -- Has elemental blood. -- price x2
89. n/a -- Has no sense of loyalty and might attack at any time. -- no price modifier, and even if the eftmonger knew, he wouldn't tell you.
90. n/a -- Has non-amphibian heritage bred into it. -- price x1.5
91. n/a -- Has the Ability Focus feat. -- price x2
92. n/a -- Is albino. -- price +500gp
93. n/a -- Is extra friendly. -- no price modifier
94. n/a -- Is of an especially striking hue. -- no price modifier
95. n/a -- Is particularly attentive; +2 Perception. -- price x1.5
96. n/a -- Is unusually fast; increase Dex by 2. -- price x1.5
97. n/a -- Is unusually smart; increase Int by 2. -- price x1.5
98. n/a -- Is unusually strong; increase Str by 2. -- price x1.5
99. n/a -- Is unusually tough; increase Con by 2. -- price x1.5
100. n/a -- Roll twice and combine; reroll contradictions. -- n/a

Examples

Lysinkan Ebon Hellbender

This breed of Newt is a massive creature, whose skin displays the weird sheen of an oil slick. The Ebon Hellbender is the size of a large cat or a small dog, and is more physically dangerous than your standard Newt; it has a Strength of 5, a Base Attack of +1, a CMB of +2, and a CMD of 6. It is considered the perfect breed to keep as a guard-Newt: not only is it large and dangerous; but its unusually high-pitched Clamor allows it to precisely target any intruders while not waking the residents of the home (its Clamor is a 20-foot line rather than a cone); and it has been known to get maliciously creative when it can no longer Clamor, spitting mucus into the eyes of potential burglars from several feet away (see “Rheuming"); it is also said to have access to a greater range of vision than the human, making it difficult to sneak past (UV sight). An Ebon Hellbender will generally cost around 600gp, but eftmongers will often talk up the fame of the breed in an attempt to get a higher price.

McPhee's Salient Olm

The Salient Olm is a popular, if expensive, pet breed among those who appreciate the pale, eyeless beauty of the olm but think its sinuous grace and mournful calls are a bit much. The Salient Olm is a breed that, rather than twist through dark water singing songs of loss, leaps about and makes happy little croaking noises. It is an exceptionally small creature, with the size (and the jumping ability) of a cricket. Its skin is segmented, somewhat like an earthworm, and it has a crest along its back that sticks straight up when it is in a particularly good mood. A Salient Olm has a Dexterity of 21 and a Charisma of 3; it also has a CMB of -4 and a CMD of 3. The recognized market price for a Salient Olm is 975gp, but eftmongers tend to start the haggling at well over 1000gp and hope that the friendly olm chirping and leaping in its terrarium will charm the mark into accepting their price.

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1. One might say they... clamor for it.

2. Such as various items with permanent silence effects, rings of sonic resistance, and the useful potions of indiscriminate fecundity -- often the only way to crossbreed Newts from divergent bloodlines.
3. This term comes from the accepted practice of selling Clamorous Newts when they are still young and unable to do much damage with their Clamor if the new owner proves unable to control them. (“Eft" is the term for a newt in the life stage between tadpole and adult.)
4. Excessive use of such is considered rather classless and gauche, and most Newt Fanciers frown on screwing around with non-Newt species.