Bestiary: Oklahoma Land Crab

Because of who I am as a person, the following has been greeting me every morning since September: 

On a regular basis, I look over at it and think, for a second, that it says “Oklahoma Land Crab". For whatever reason, this week I was struck by inspiration and decided I needed to make that into a D&D monster. Though I suppose it wouldn't actually be from Oklahoma. So here are some points from the above document that would have to be covered in said monster:

• It's a crab that lives primarily on land.
• It has some connection to unethical land grabs.
• ... “such as the ‘borrowing' of ‘family members'..."
• “A man might swear that he had on his property a house ‘twelve by fourteen', though the measurement was in inches -- not feet, as he had allowed it to be assumed."
• “Observers also frequently noticed one glass window, unattached..."

A few notes first:

• I will add game stats in a separate entry later.
• Apparently the correct collective noun for a group of crabs is a “cast", so I've used it here.
• I'm making an attempt to give this a range of usefulness, because I think it works; so you can use this as:
• Stage One: A curiosity
• Stage Two: An annoyance
• Stage Three: A minor threat
• Stage Four: A mid-level threat
• Stage Five: A major threat
• Stage Six: A danger to the kingdom
• Stage Seven: A danger to the world

Land Crab

Also called the Civilized Crab, the Potemkin Crab, or Chousemann's Crab.

By Filo gèn'
Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=61489500

At its base, the Land Crab is just a sort of mildly magical vermin with some interesting mating behavior. The basic type of Land Crab will find a dark, somewhat damp, hopefully sheltered area -- possibly under a bush or similar -- and dig a burrow. When its burrow is prepared, it engages in its mating display: the crab will decorate the exterior of its burrow with wattle-and-daub huts built to crab-scale. Since these huts are purely decorative, not functional, and the crab is just a crab, they tend to be rather architecturally suspect: huts with seven windows and no doors, that sort of thing. Eventually, this display will attract a crab of the opposite sex.

Land crabs are social animals, and once a cast of crabs is properly established, one may find entire pseudo-villages of questionably-designed, crab-scale huts, linked to a system of burrows occupied by an extended family group. This is considered a Stage One cast of Land Crabs; as the population of this cast grows, eventually eggs laid by this cast will hatch into unusual, specialized types, which indicates a transition into Stage Two. It should be noted that early-Stage-Two casts of land crabs are occasionally kept in large terraria by wealthy eccentrics, much like an elaborate ant farm. More than one disaster has resulted from one of said eccentrics failing to properly maintain their terrarium and allowing the cast to grow & progress more than it should.

By Andrea Westmoreland from DeLand, United States
Fiddler Crabs at Indian River Lagoon, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=26015998

In a Stage Two cast, crabs of any of the following types may be born:

• Vulgaris -- the basic type of Land Crab. As far as game statistics go, the Vulgaris is identical to a standard-issue crab, though they do tend to swarm.
• Ignis -- capable of generating intense heat from their claws. This can cause 1 damage in combat, but is more likely to be used to create metal and glass additions to the decorative huts.
• Acidus -- spits acid up to 5 ft. This can cause 1 damage in combat, but is more likely to be used to burrow into or shape stone.

Though in a Stage One cast, member crabs are content to lay their eggs in any puddle or other damp place in which the semi-aquatic larvae can mature, members of a Stage Two cast will deliberately seek out artificial bodies of fresh water, preferably drinking water. Wells are strongly preferred, and casts with a sizable number of Acidus will often begin extending their burrows into and through the stone walls of wells for this purpose. The overarching goal of this behavior is to cause local humanoids to ingest Land Crab larvae; larvae within a living body will adopt parasitic behavior and mature into a Vavato. Once this has been achieved with a sapient humanoid, the colony is considered to be in Stage Three.

By © Hans Hillewaert
CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=26106449

Vavato

These are specialized parasitic types of Land Crab, created when Land Crab larvae are ingested by a living being. (The host gets a Fortitude save DC 15 to resist infection.) Once they have matured, they begin altering the thoughts and behavior of the host body. The host will gradually become obsessed with constructing buildings on their own scale with the same erratic pseudo-architecture as the minature versions built by the Land Crab. In time, as the parasite grows more dominant, the host will begin considering themselves part of the Land Crab's cast, and will defend it if necessary. Sapient beings will lose the capacity for language as the infection advances; they descend to speaking in word salad, then pure gibberish. Sapient beings will also try to spread the infection throughout their village or community until the infected are a majority. The infected can survive for a long period of time, but after the first year or two, their brain accumulates enough stress that they become no more intelligent than crabs. As they inhabit the host, the Vavato will gradually collect bits of knowledge or memory from the host's degrading brain matter. This knowledge will be passed on to the Vavato's spawn; once the host dies, the Vavato's behavior shifts to producing as many eggs as possible, which will hatch into simple Vulgaris, leave the corpse, and rejoin the main cast.

Stage Three casts are those that have successfully parasitized sapient humanoids. At this point, they will focus on expanding a pseudo-village at human scale. They will also begin to access their hereditary memory -- an accumulated pile of knowledge passed down from previous generations of Land Crabs in a fragmentary and disorganized fashion. Though said hereditary memory is the result of untold numbers of Vavato collecting memories from similarly-untold numbers of hosts, the crabs have to deal with not only a certain amount of copy degradation, but also with the fact that they are crabs with tiny crab brains and don't actually understand most of it. As a result, their attempts to make a more detailed, realistic humanoid village tend to go wrong. Perhaps they understand the concept of a forge, but not that it goes only in specialized buildings; or they recognize that meat and vegetables are often kept within humanoid habitations, but missed the information that they're supposed to be preserved and stored, not just left laying around.

By Timquade at English Wikipedia
CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=7037008

In a Stage Three cast, crabs of any of the following types (in addition to those from Stage Two) might be born:

• Magus -- crabs who have the hereditary memories of parasitized spellcasters. When threatened, they will cast spells. Of course, once again, they are crabs with tiny crab brains, so the GM is encouraged to create a random spell table to determine what they cast in any given situation.
• Scriba -- crabs tasked with creating signage and decoration. Any images they create tend to be kind of strange, as it's all done through confused instinct. Their signs also tend to be incomprehensible word salad; the only consistent feature is that said signs will reference an authority figure by the name of Chousemann. The creation of these signs and images is done by either carving the wood with their claws or “painting" with whatever substances happen to be available.
• Messor -- larger crabs, roughly the size of a housecat. These will leave the pseudo-village and gather resources, which they bring back. “Resources" could include anything from construction materials to food, both of which the crabs have a rather broad view of.
• Cogitatio -- crabs with a larger share of the hereditary memories and a degree of actual intelligence. Roll 1d12 for their Int score. Since they have no vocal apparatus, of course, they can't really communicate with anyone other than crabs unless they have some sort of Morse system on hand.
• Artifex -- crabs that produce crafted items. Usually, the Land Crabs don't create anything other than architecture and certain large furniture items, preferring simply to fill their pseudo-houses with stuff they find, but the Artifex crabs will actually try to create things. They tend to have a lot of technical skill, but again, poor understanding, so items they make are well-constructed but somewhat... off. Their crafting endeavors are aided by their access to the same abilities employed by the Ignis and Acidus crabs.

Stage Three can persist indefinitely, as building to the population required for Stage Four is diffcult. In order to maintain the parasitized-humanoid population necessary to keep building large-scale structures, a Stage Three cast may resort to breeding new generations of humanoids from the parasitized population, and/or kidnapping outsiders to add to their population.

By I, Ianare, CC BY 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2438589

Samples of text by Scriba crabs
The clear star that is yesterday can by order of Lord Chousemann.
The person you were before owes allegiance to Queen Chousemann.
Courts of Chousemann see only sterile twilight.
Fragment of vistas by red in tower -- Chousemann
Opiate spaces and turmoil come and wafted him sleeping meads much, by order of Shire-Reeve Chousemann.
Merge with lotus blossums and have world one forever with Major General Chousemann.
It is written by St. Chousemann that whirlpools stared by sunrise.
Yet Chousemann is Employee-of-the-Week enough to a dim court when age fell upon to make him sleeping eye may never.

The Land Crabs transition to Stage Four once their pseudo-village reaches a certain size and population density. This stage is characterized by increased construction and defense. Crabs will focus on building stone walls and towers around their pseudo-village, eventually enclosing the entire settlement in a crude approximation of something like a castle. The following types of crab might be born (in addition to the types from previous stages, which will continue showing up):

• Structor -- crabs the size of horses. They are laborers, and focus entirely on the construction of stone walls and towers; they seem instinctively able to search out good stone, quarry it, carry it back to the pseudo-village, and cooperate on construction. 
• Custos -- slightly smaller than the Structor, tasked with patrolling the outer perimeter of the village. They naturally settle into shifts, so that at least one-third of the Custos in the cast are on guard at any given time. 
•  Ballistarius -- crabs of roughly the same size as the Custos who take up residence in the stone towers and throw heavy objects at intruders. Usually, the Ballistarius will simply hurl large stones, which they tend to collect for this purpose; however, in a pinch, they'll throw whatever happens to be available.
• Rutrum -- crabs of housecat-size who dig trenches or moats outside the walls. They may also work on expanding the burrows of the cast, resulting in vast underground warrens beneath the pseudo-village.
• Fulgens -- small crabs with glittering carapaces that resemble bits of precious stone or metal. They can hibernate for exceptional periods of time. They produce specialized drought-resistant eggs that can remain viable but unhatched until the Fulgens introduces them to a suitable environment.

By Alex Barabas
Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=15208992

Other new behaviors in Stage Four include the Artifex and Magus crabs cooperating. Perhaps one in a hundred items created by the Artifex is enchanted by the Magus. This is, however, simply instinctive behavior, so there is no rhyme or reason to what is enchanted with what spell and how it works. The Artifex will also sometimes dig out small socket-like holes in their crafted items, which the Fulgens will be encouraged to occupy. A Fulgens carrying a clutch of eggs will generally take up residence in the socket, then hibernate; parasitized humanoids will occasionally gather up these items and wander away from the cast, making attempts to trade, sell, or give the infested items to travelers. The Fulgens remain in hibernation within the items until they sense they are in a population center or near a source of fresh water, at which point they will awaken, scurry off, and seek out a damp place to hatch said eggs. In this manner, a new cast of Land Crabs may take root elsewhere.

Once their pseudo-castle is complete and the population has again increased to a certain density, the Land Crabs enter Stage Five. In this stage, they attempt to expand their population and access to resources through more aggressive means. The following new types of crab will begin to appear:

• Agricola -- similar in size and appearance to Vulgaris. Agricola crabs will spread out and try to cover the landscape around the pseudo-castle. Any plants that do not produce substantial amounts of food for the crabs or their human hosts will be attacked; the Agricola will then attempt to spread the seeds of more productive plants. Of course, their tiny crab brains can't get any more complicated than sorting plants into “good" and “bad", attacking the “bad", and burying seeds from the “good", so their agricultural efforts are erratic at best.
• Venator -- resemble Messor, but sleek, fast, and deadly. These crabs roam the area for miles around the pseudo-castle, attacking any non-humanoid animal larger than a cockroach and dragging the meat back to the castle to feed the growing cast. They are capable of basic pack-hunting tactics.
• Mercator -- one of the most deviant varieties of Land Crab, the Mercator attempts to masquerade as humanoid. It has one pair of hypertrophied legs and one pair of exceptionally dextrous claws; its other limbs are small and kept folded against its body, hidden from view. It is built to stand bipedally, and is proportioned so that it is long rather than wide. The resulting silhouette is something like a bulky, hunchbacked goblin. The Mercator will cover itself in found clothing, attempting to conceal its crustacean nature. It may also repurpose the skins of deceased humanoids into its disguise, exuding a preservative to keep the material from rotting. The Mercator can speak, with some difficulty due to imperfect vocal apparatus, is passably intelligent (roll 2d4 for its Int score), and is generally capable of speaking an approximation of the local language that is something like a crude trade pidgin. It will depart the cast with a large quantity of the Artifex's trade goods, and attempt to sell them or trade for other items of value. Once its supply of trade goods has been depleted, or if it has accumulated as much bounty as it can carry, it will return to drop off its acquired wealth, resupply, and begin another trip. Alternately, if the cast is in need, it may take some of the hoarded wealth to the nearest town and attempt to purchase supplies.
• Latro -- larger, sturdier versions of Venator. Latro crabs will travel in packs and conduct raiding operations on nearby humanoid settlements or travelling groups. Generally, they are not interested in killing the inhabitants, but will not hesitate to slay anyone who gets in the way and drag them back to the cast for food; they are instead here to gather supplies. Often, smaller varieties of Land Crab cling to Latro during these journeys so that they can spread around the area and lay eggs in the wells of the settlements Latro visits. Notably, no effort is made to coordinate between Latro and Mercator, so that settlements might be raided by the Latro one day, then find a Mercator showing up as if nothing had happened the next.
• Tesserarius -- The Tesserarius mature into a small, sessile, barnacle-like form rather than the mobile crab-like forms of the other types. A juvenile Tesserarius will seek out a position where they can best observe the pseudo-castle, then fasten itself to a sturdy surface with a powerful natural adhesive and begin to develop a thick, immobile shell. Tesserarius are one of the few sapient varieties of Land Crab -- Int 3d6 -- and will use their position to coordinate the defense of the cast. They can communicate with each other and with the non-sapient crabs through chemical signals; if weather conditions prevent this mode of communication over distances, the Cogitatio will be employed as messengers. A sizable population of Tesserarius will eventually result in a properly-constructed defensive wall and a much more organized guard.

By Beauregard Laura, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Eventually, the cast will successfully infect nearby settlements, and will work towards speeding their development into other Stage Five casts. A group of Stage Five casts cooperating -- as they often do, if they are from the same genetic line -- constitutes a Stage Six cast.

In Stage Six, the Land Crabs effectively constitute a small nation -- despite the fact that only a handful of them are sapient by any measurement -- and will behave as such. Specifically, they begin to engage in conquest. A Stage Six caste will begin to add the following to its ranks, roughly half of which will remain at the pseudo-castle and half of which will go out to subjugate nearby regions:

• Venenum -- long, thin, fast-moving crustaceans about the size of a goat. They have a venomous bite.
• Poison: Land Crab Venom | Type: Injury | Fort DC: 17 | Onset: - | Frequency: 1/round for 6 rounds | Effect: 1 Int and Con damage | Cure: 2 saves
• Gigas -- thirty or more feet across, thick exoskeleton, terrifyingly strong. In addition to providing pure brute strength, the flat, rough shell of a Gigas is ideal for providing transport and support to smaller units, which often use the Gigas as a sort of mobile staging area.
• Morbus -- a small crab, resembling the Vulgaris but with more pronounced claws. The Morbus reproduce frequently, often laying eggs in any freshwater source that the other Land Crabs happen to pass, with the goal that they will have a clutch of fertilized eggs ready when they are in a combat situation. In combat, the Morbus will latch onto opponents and attempt to tear holes in their flesh in which to lay eggs, with the goal of creating more Vavato.
• Hastatus -- look something like four-foot-long shrimp with sharp spear-like appendages rather than claws. Used as infantry.
• Malleator -- similar to the Hastatus but with heavy, mineralized club-like appendages instead.
• Bucinator -- clacks its claws together with exceptional force, creating a sonic attack. The attack of a Bucinator deals 2d6 damage to anyone in a 30-ft cone.
• Sanguis -- small creatures an inch or two long that will latch onto opponents and burrow into them. Once they are too deep to be easily removed, they will drink their victim's blood until said victim dies; they secrete an anticoagulant to ensure this is the eventual outcome.
• Sagittarius -- fast-moving cat-sized crabs that, like the smaller Acidus, can spit acid. The Sagittarius, however, can reliably hit targets 30 ft. away, and does 2d6 damage with each volley.
• Alaris -- horse-sized and long-legged, with a spiny carapace and powerful claws. 
• Insidia -- lanky creatures like a five-foot-long stick insect. The Insidia are primarily used for defense of the cast, and remain hidden or camouflaged near the wall in case of intruders, in which case they rapidly impale them on their long, thin claws. A few will accompany the more traditional units in conquest behavior, sneaking around the edges of the battlefield and picking off stragglers. They also can spit chemical signals, allowing the communication of basic information about whichever enemies they are spitting on. One of their “signals" is just a bioluminescent liquid that they spit on any opponents trying to be sneaky.
• Dux -- visually unimpressive and liable to blend in with the other small crabs, the Dux is actually the most intelligent variety of Land Crab. Each “unit" of the Land Crab “army" has a single Dux strategizing and commanding. A Dux has 1d12+10 Intelligence, and communicates telepathically with all other Dux in the cast. It uses this same talent to direct the non-sapient crabs under its “command".
• Legatus -- the Legatus resemble Vulgaris in all respects except for their exceptionally polished-looking exoskeletons, which resemble smooth mother-of-pearl. At some point after the Land Crabs have begun their hostilities, a handful of Legatus will be escorted -- by one of the larger, faster types of crab -- to something in the area that looks like a seat of governmental authority. (The Land Crabs only know the most superficial aspects of humanoid government, so there's some guesswork involved.) Once there, the Legatus will begin demanding concessions and/or surrender from their humanoid “enemies", and try to initiate talks with humanoid diplomats. Thanks to an inborn magic, the Legatus are able to generate speech despite a total lack of appropriate apparatus -- it's much like a magic mouth spell. Their speech is always eloquent, calm, and in an accent or dialect that strikes the listeners as being slightly foreign, but highly cultured and intelligent. Talks inevitably stall, as the Legatus speak in circles, never quite settle on anything, and often say that they'll have to consult with their Queen on the issues. There is, of course, no Queen -- despite appearances, the Land Crabs are not fully eusocial -- and the Legatus do not have the authority, desire, or capacity to make any diplomatic agreements. A Legatus has an Int score of 1d4+2, and nearly all of their brainpower is taken up with running what is essentially an arcane ELIZA program that generates the Legatus's “speech". Everything the Legatus says is completely meaningless; it's just following inborn directives and trying to make sure that its words sound like believable responses to the conversation. The apparent purpose of the Legatus is to confuse and frustrate the humanoids who might otherwise deal with the problem better; it also will try and find a chance to lay eggs in the water supply once it's established in its new diplomatic position.

By Thomas Brown - Land Crab (Gecarcinus ruricola)
Uploaded by mgiganteus, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=27451076

At this point, the Land Crabs will continue expanding their territory until stopped. If, at any point, a significant period of time (a few years) passes where they own a large (kingdom-sized) piece of territory and are consistently prevented from expanding their borders, they may enter Stage Seven. 

Stage Seven is much like Stage Six, but the crabs get serious about reaching new territory. They begin trying to traverse significant geographical barriers that may have previously slowed them, such as mountains or oceans. This is accomplished by use of the two new varieties of crab that the cast will produce in Stage Seven:

• Colossus -- the Colossus is several stories high, with long, sturdy legs. It is used as a sort of vehicle by other Land Crabs to get past borders both natural and artificial. 
• Cetus -- resembles an enormous marine crab. Its shell is mostly hollow, though, serving as a place for other Land Crabs to ride inside of. This is the means by which Land Crabs may move from one landmass to another. The Cetus travels relatively close to the surface of the water, so that it can regularly take in fresh air for its passengers. It may also surface to let them attack passing ships -- said attacks are usually brief and largely for the purposes of gathering food, but also distract from a few Vulgaris slipping on board so that later they can find the ship's water supply and lay eggs in it, thus potentially sending a ship full of parasitized humans into a nearby port.

Popular Science Magazine, June 1920

D100 Table: Magical Mishaps

The following list of magical mishaps can be incorporated into any sort of spell-misfire table you happen to be using in your campaign -- I was thinking of possible results if someone tries to cast a spell beyond their normal capabilities and fails a caster level check, but it could really fit anywhere. I would recommend incorporating it into an existing table as a Really Bad Result -- like, usually the spell fails or backfires or acquires a random metamagic descriptor or something, but if things go badly wrong or the spell is WAY out of the caster's league, you roll on this table instead.

Art by Brian Snoddy, from the M:tG card “Backfire".

Unless otherwise stated, it is assumed that the spell does not go off.

Unless otherwise stated, lingering effects on the caster can be dispelled by break enchantment or similar, but only if break enchantment is being cast by a spellcaster of exceptionally high level. (I suggest twice the level that the caster was at when they suffered their arcane misfire.)

1. A dozen frightened doves erupt from the caster's hands.
2. A nearby inanimate object of the GM's choice gains the power of movement, superhuman intelligence, and a deep hatred of the caster & caster's companions. This should not be immediately apparent -- the object will bide its time and strike when it seems most likely to prevail.
3. A random NPC within 100ft gains a spark of the divine, and may ascend to godhood at some point in the future, or after death.
4. A terrifying fountain of pure magical energy shoots out of the top of caster's head and into the atmosphere. Nobody within a day's travel of caster can use spells, spell-like abilities, or magic items until the next sunrise.
5. All animals and vermin within 100ft of caster are Awakened; random alignments and attributes.
6. All containers near caster (especially caster's pockets, bags, &c.) tend to generate small, ill-tempered animals at inopportune times.
7. All of caster's acquaintances, PC and NPC alike, must roll under their Wisdom the next time they see caster; on a failure, they forget who caster is.
8. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, aimed at random targets.
9. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, aimed at random targets. So do all of the prepared spells of every other spellcaster in the area. This includes spell-like abilities. GM is encouraged to define “the area" in a broad and liberal fashion.
10. All of caster's prepared spells go off simultaneously, targeting caster.
11. All water caster touches turns to blood.
12. Any Small-, Medium-, or Large-sized, non-sapient, pregnant vertebrates caster passes within 50 ft of will produce offspring that are half-[caster's species], obviously resemble caster, and have 3d6 intelligence.

    

    ....fffffffather?

13. Anything caster comes in contact with ages at a rapid pace, decaying and becoming useless in short order.
14. At night, all insects behave as though caster is emitting bright light. No actual light is visible.
15. Caster acquires a huge, visible, highly-distinctive scar; caster distinctly remembers, with 100% certainty, that said scar is the result of a fight with a dragon several years ago.
16. Caster acquires a series of subtle tics and unusual compulsions that any experienced priest will recognize as classic signs of demonic possession. Caster is not actually possessed.
17. Caster acquires crippling phobia of [roll d12 -- 1: the moon, 2: buildings, 3: smooth pebbles, 4: gold, 5: the secret plans of the moth-folk, 6: snails, 7: flowers, 8: the color blue, 9: right angles, 10: religion, 11: possible invasions from the distant future, 12: writing].
18. Caster acquires lycanthropy. At the full moon, caster becomes a [roll 1d12 -- 1: hyena, 2: small lizard, 3: toad, 4: mule, 5: rhinoceros, 6: armadillo, 7: koala, 8: panda, 9: porcupine, 10: skunk, 11: giant tortoise, 12: platypus]. Caster has no control over the change; when under the effects of the full moon, GM takes control of character; animal form has opposite alignment of caster, but same knowledge and mental abilities.

    

    The number of stock images available for evil lizards is... unusual.

19. Caster and everyone within 100 ft. is shrunk to 1/100th of their current size. 
20. Caster appears faceless for the next 1d12 weeks.
21. Caster can make one wish -- however, player has exactly ten out-of-game seconds to formulate said wish and say it aloud. Starting now. GM is encouraged to twist the wish as much as possible. If caster does not make a wish, then the wish passes to the nearest sapient creature who opposes the caster.
22. Caster can no longer perceive sunlight.
23. Caster develops an obsession with constructing, then inhabiting, a vast underground complex.
24. Caster develops intense fear of the light.
25. Caster forgets the last 24 hours.
26. Caster forgets the next 24 hours.
27. Caster freezes in place, stares straight up, and screams at the top of their lungs. This behavior continues, without so much as a pause for breath, for the next 24 hours. The volume steadily increases this entire time; it is audible for miles around; people standing too close will be deafened.
28. Caster gains 1 minor mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
29. Caster gains 1 medium mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
30. Caster gains 1 major mutation from the Tainted table. (GM may reroll at their discretion.)
31. Caster gains sense of magnetism -- they can now perceive magnetic fields.
32. Caster gains ten ranks in Knowledge (Things Man Was Not Meant to Know). Whenever any player rolls a Knowledge check, caster must roll Knowledge (TMWNMtK) and gain bizarre insights into the workings of the world that the GM is encouraged to make as insane as possible while still being related to the other Knowledge check being made. If the player gets an unmodified roll of 15 or above, they take 1d6 Wisdom damage; on a natural 20, they permanently lose 1 point of Wisdom.
33. Caster gains the ability to see all the things that normal people subconsciously edit out of their perceptions to maintain their sense of reality. Caster's sanity may unravel.
34. Caster gains the tendency to involuntarily befriend bees, which follow caster around and bring caster pollen.
    
35. Caster gets influx of partial knowledge and spotty memories from dozens of random individuals scattered all over a wide region. This is initially not obvious -- caster only gets the sense of their head feeling weird -- but caster now has the ability to make Knowledge checks about any subject (as Bardic Knowledge) with the caveat that the information they get is always incomplete, misleading, or useless. Caster may also discover they have gained several completely pointless skills, such as the muscle memory necessary to carve potatoes into obscene sculpture.
36. Caster grows dozens of extra teeth; only some of them are actually in caster's mouth.
37. Caster is henceforth prone to being summoned by summon monster spells cast from other Material Planes.
38. Caster is immune to magic, whether harmful or beneficial. This will eventually wear off -- after 1d4 days, roll a 10% chance each day that this effect ends. Do not tell the player that this effect is temporary.
39. Caster is now covered in tattooed script; an epic-level spell of the GM's choice can be cast (once) by reading the caster's skin like a scroll. (Said spell is as prone to casting mishaps as any other.)
40. Caster is plagued by constant ominous events: any journey they set out on starts on a gloomy, rainy day; the mournful croaking of ravens comes from virtually every tree they pass; livestock give birth to two-headed young whenever caster is in town; blood-red comets regularly seen in sky; &c.
    
41. Caster loses sense of direction. They cannot tell left from right, east from west, thisaway from thataway. If they travel without accompaniment, they will inevitably get hopelessly lost. This includes literally any journey that takes them out of sight of their starting point.
42. Caster loses sense of smell. This is temporary, but do not tell the players -- the caster will regain their sense of smell the first time they are in a situation in which lacking said sense would be an advantage.
43. Caster loses the ability to perceive distance -- whenever they try to determine how far away an item is, how deep a hole is, &c., the GM should give them a random inaccurate number.
44. Caster must roll Will save DC 17 whenever they enter a village or other population center to suppress horrific murderous compulsions.
45. Caster no longer has a head, but somehow still functions normally. (Maybe they eat through their neck?) Everybody the caster knows believes they have always been like this.
46. Caster no longer has a name. Nobody, including caster, can remember caster's previous name; any new name given to caster is promptly forgotten in the same manner.
47. Caster permanently swaps minds with caster's familiar.
48. Caster receives one year of someone else's memories from the distant future.
49. Caster receives one year of someone else's memories from the distant past.
50. Caster sees strange figures out of the corner of their eye at random inopportune moments.
51. Caster spontaneously gains the ability to understand, but not speak, the language of birds.
52. Caster suddenly acquires a telepathic link with a random being from the outer planes.
53. Caster suddenly acquires a telepathic link with a random NPC; odds are this is someone caster has never met before and who was previously of only peripheral relevance to the campaign at most. The bad news is that it is now literally impossible for the caster to successfully keep a secret; the good news is that, if the mind-linked NPC runs off to sell important information to the villains, the caster will know about it.
54. Caster swaps minds with target. If there is no target, caster swaps minds with whoever is closest.
55. Caster vanishes from existence; reappears 1d12 days later. Then the spell goes off as normal.
56. Caster, along with everything in a 1-mile radius, is shifted to a random outer plane.
57. Caster's age doubles.
58. Caster's mind is forced into a random magical item on or near caster; they can communicate in a manner appropriate to an intelligent magical item. Caster's body is alive but mindless; must be fed and cared for if party wants to preserve it.
59. Caster's skin detaches messily -- dealing damage to caster equal to half caster's HP -- then animates as an an undead entity intent on party's death.

    

    Shredskin, from the Pathfinder Bestiary 4

60. Caster's tongue bursts into flame, dealing 2d4 damage before it is completely reduced to ash. Caster can no longer speak intelligibly or cast spells with verbal components until healed by appropriate spell.
61. Every so often, the caster will hear someone's hidden thoughts instead of what they're actually saying. The caster cannot tell when this is happening.
62. Everybody within 100 feet of the caster is teleported 1d100 miles in a random direction. Roll separately for each person. This does not include the caster.
63. Gravity reverses for the caster, and only the caster, for the next 1d12 days.
64. Henceforth, any fire caster passes near becomes a fire elemental with its own agency, power of movement.
65. Henceforth, caster cannot help but answer all questions in excruciating, 100% truthful detail; caster also inevitably blurts out any information the party is trying to keep under wraps.
66. Magical energies overwhelm caster's nervous system. Caster is blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed until healed by appropriate clerical spells.
67. Nothing happens, but all witnesses are convinced the spell worked perfectly.
68. Produce 1 Galdikin.
69. Produce 1d4 Galdikins.
70. Produce 1d12 Galdikins.
71. Random items tend to appear in caster's belongings; eventually it will become clear that these items all link caster to a variety of high-profile and especially heinous crimes.
72. Temporal instability; everyone within 100ft of the caster (including caster) is sent 1d12 days into the past. Whether this includes animals, items, &c. is up to the GM.
73. Temporal instability; everyone within 100ft of the caster (including caster) is sent 1d12 millennia into the past. Whether this includes animals, items, &c. is up to the GM.
74. The caster attracts angry, stinging insects whenever travelling in an area where such things are common.
75. The caster has difficulty perceiving things of the color [roll d8 -- 1: red, 2: blue, 3: yellow, 4: green, 5: gold, 6: gray, 7: brown, 8: white]. Whenever relevant, caster must make a Will save DC 15 to perceive the item's existence.
76. The caster is swapped with a version of themself from a slightly-divergent alternate timeline. This is not obvious to the caster, the PCs, or NPCs -- but the caster will, over time, start noticing details that are... not as they remember them.
77. The caster's reflection gains sapience and the ability to travel between reflective surfaces at will. It has no loyalty to the caster, and may in fact never be seen again.

    

    Art by Phil Foglio, from the M:tG card “Mirror Universe".

78. The caster's shadow gains its own mind, agenda, and agency. This will not be immediately obvious; the shadow may spend a lengthy period planning and biding its time before acting in any way.
79. The echoes of the spell's misfire garner the attention of a powerful devil, who will begin involving itself with the caster's plans and the plot of the campaign in general.
80. The magical backlash causes caster to collapse into hundreds of still-living pieces. (Whether caster can still communicate is up to the GM.) If sewn back together, caster can continue living as normal -- however, a Craft check and a Heal check are required; DC 30 on both to reassemble caster accurately and subtly. For each number below 30 on the Craft check, caster's patchwork nature is increasingly obvious to the casual observer. (Even with a 30 or higher, anyone who sees caster close-up in a well-lit environment can see the stitching.) For each number below 30 on the Heal check, caster loses 1 point of Constitution due to being sewn together wrong.
81. The magical energies are channelled into pure destructive force; everybody within (10*X) feet of the caster takes Xd12 damage, where X is the level of the spell. Inanimate objects also take damage, though magical items get a save.
82. The magical energies warp the mind; the caster acquires an unexpected obsession or neurosis.
83. The magical energies warp the mind; the caster's alignment spontaneously shifts by one step in a random direction.
84. The misfire damages the fabric of reality; expect incursions from the Far Realm or the Realm of Faerie, to a degree matching the power of the spell.
85. The most powerful being within 100 miles will begin seeing caster in their dreams every night. Caster is not portrayed in a flattering manner. (Defining “most powerful" -- and whether we're talking about political power, magical power, CR, or what -- is up to the GM.)
86. The mystic energies burn inside the caster's head, then escape through their eyes. After a brief pyrotechnic display, caster's eyes permanently gain the appearance of hollow voids with distant embers burning within.
87. The next lie the caster tells will spontaneously become true through immediate and retroactive alteration of reality. The GM should not share this information with the players for obvious reasons.
88. The next time the caster is out of sight of the rest of the party, s/he spontaneously duplicates. Their opposite-alignment double will try to pass themselves off as the original.
89. The spell does not go off, but the misfire of the arcane energies garners the attention of a demigod previously unknown to the party. The demigod's alignment and degree of hostility/friendliness may be randomly determined, but said entity will inevitably get involved in whatever the party is currently doing.
90. The spell echoes backwards in time; the timeline alters as if the caster had cast the spell exactly 1d12 days ago, in whatever location the caster was at that time. The caster and the people in their immediate vicinity are the only ones who remember the unaltered timeline.
91. The spell goes off as normal, but its effects are inexplicably contagious, and will gradually spread like a disease to anyone exposed.
92. The spell has the exact opposite effect as expected.
93. The spell works perfectly, but acquires the [Evil] descriptor -- the GM should describe it in the most sinister manner possible, and any witnesses will be somewhat suspicious of the caster.
94. The spell works perfectly, but is unnaturally “loud" in a cosmic sense -- strange whatsits from the Astral Plane will come investigate.
95. The spell works perfectly, but on the worst possible target in the immediate area.
96. The spell works perfectly, but will go off again in exactly one day's time. If it is an area of effect spell, it goes off at at the same distance from the caster in the same direction; a targeted spell picks a target nearby; etc.
97. When caster is nearby, milk sours, animals fall ill, music becomes discordant, children scream and cry, &c.
98. Whenever caster speaks, crow's eggs fall from their mouth, one for each word.
99. This spell works fine; caster's next 1d4 spells provoke a roll on this table.
100. Roll twice and combine.

At the Newt Fanciers' Exhibition

For whatever reason, the Clamorous Newts seem to demand further attention¹. I have no explanation for this; perhaps, in the alternate universe where I have actually published some sort of RPG supplement, there is a chapter about Newts for no reason.

 As a result, I have felt compelled to describe what one might find at a gathering of the Newt Fanciers if one were in the market for one of these Newts -- as many PCs might be, given their utility and general adorableness. So, here's an entry regarding what they might find at a gathering of the wealthy eccentrics who breed these creatures as their hobby.

The Exhibition

An organization of Newt Fanciers -- called a “Court", rather than something so pedestrian as a “Club" or an “Association" -- generally shares a certain aesthetic appreciation for the decadent, dark, and decaying. As such, the venues for an exhibition tend to be abandoned temples or other such places that might provoke a thrill of the outré. Once the building is procured, it is given extravagant decoration -- tapestries are a favorite -- and magical lighting as available. It is then divided into three areas for the different functions of a traditional exhibition -- the Show, the Market, and the Ball.

Show

The most important aspect of the exhibition, and in theory the reason for everyone in attendance to be there, is the Show. The room in which this is placed will be lined with rows of tables, each of which holds a single ornate terrarium with a Clamoring Newt within it; these are the contestants for the exhibition's awards. Newt Fanciers walk up and down the rows, reading the small plaques attached to the terraria and assessing the competition. There are also nine masked and shrouded figures -- the anonymous Judges of the competition. The entire room is kept under a magical silence effect in case any of the Newts are skittish and try to Clamor at someone; as a result, the Fanciers, Judges, and subtle serving staff are forced to communicate with written notes and the complex, specialized sign language of the Newt Fanciers. Every so often, a servant will be sent with a note to locate a specific Newt Fancier -- they will collect their Newt from the terrarium, and retreat with the Judges to a specialized, isolated area within the building. There, the Fancier and the Judges will don rings of sonic resistance and the Fancier will instruct his Newt to Clamor & perform a variety of tricks.

Market

The smallest of the three areas of the exhibition is the Market. Here, stalls much like one would find at a traditional open-air bazaar cluster along the walls, selling expensive and high-quality wares specific to the hobby of Newt Fancying. Tailors will display cloth dyed and treated to be as perfect a match as possible to the colors and patterns of Newts, and will take orders from Fanciers to create garments that precisely match the appearance of their own Newts. Jewelers display Newt-themed jewelry for humanoids and Newt-sized jewelry for Newts. Glassblowers present ever-more-elaborate terraria, and various artisans sell toys, food bowls, and other components of day-to-day Newt raising. At least one artist is often present, taking commissions to paint portraits of those in attendance, with their Newts perched upon their shoulders. The greatest attractions, however, are the sellers of magical items² and the Eftmongers, who get their own section.

Ball

In many ways, the Ball is much like any other ball of the aristocracy -- wine, music, dancing, and exotic hors d'oeuvres -- but the people in attendance makes it stand out. In addition to the general eccentricity of the aristocrats who engage in this hobby, it is considered proper and fashionable for one to have a Newt as an “escort" to the Ball. Said Newt will wear a beautifully-crafted collar, to which is attached a fine and delicate chain, connecting back to the owner. The collar and leash are only for show -- the Newts chosen as escorts are the friendliest and best-behaved of the owner's collection, and it is considered a great social shame to be seen to be not in full command of one's Newt. In addition, the elaborate clothing of each individual is carefully designed to imitate his or her escort in color, pattern, and style. There is a long list of proper protocol for the ways in which one and one's Newt dress & behave -- from the more-commonly-used rules on what materials the collar and leash should be made of, to frequently-ignored rules concerning which Newts sit on the left or the right shoulder, to the exceptionally-stuffy rules on how more senior Newts (those above 15 years of age) should be honored, &c.

At one point during the evening, the Judges will ascend a stage within the ballroom and announce the winners of the various awards. This will include a Best in Show, a Best in Species, and a variety of categories relating to Clamor, Beauty, and Behavior. This signals the end of the Show, and the Market will begin closing not long thereafter. The Ball, however, will continue late into the night.

The Eftmongers

If one is well-connected, one can acquire Clamorous Newts from other Newt Fanciers. If one is brave and willing to roll the dice on what sort of Newt they'll find, one can go capture some in the wild. However, the easiest way to acquire a Clamorous Newt is to buy one from an eftmonger³, the vendors who sell them at the exhibitions.

The eftmongers will happily show you the various breeds of Newt they have on hand. The breeds, incidentally, have a specific naming pattern:

1. Start with the name of the original breeder or the region in which the breed emerged.
2. Add the descriptor associated with the breed's most interesting trait, OR
3. Add the descriptor associated with the breed's color/pattern.
4. End with the species name.

So Newt breeds are called stuff like the “Lysinkan Ebon Hellbender" or the “McPhee's Salient Olm".

Knowing the descriptor terms does not allow PCs to request custom Newts -- this ain't Starbucks. This system instead is meant to be used by the GM to randomize, ahead of time, what sort of Newts are being sold by the eftmongers and give them some jargon to spew at the PCs.

Species

Though, due to magically-assisted hybridization, the concept of “species" has gotten somewhat fuzzy when it comes to Newt biology, the traditional system of the Newt Fanciers recognizes 20 broad categories of Clamorous Newt, which are referred to as its “species". Newt “species" rarely have any biological basis -- two Newts recognized as the same species for the purposes of the exhibition might have radically divergent evolutionary histories. It's just one of those things. A GM randomly generating some Newt breeds for a trip to the exhibition should start by rolling a d20 to pick species from the following table:

1. Askard
2. Boterel
3. Chikila
4. Cordyl
5. Crepawn
6. Dipsa
7. Eft
8. Gangrel
9. Hellbender
10. Kemp
11. Lammig
12. Minhocao
13. Mollock
14. Mudpuppy
15. Olm
16. Ruddock
17. Serpent
18. Short-tail
19. Swift
20. Winder

Askard

Askards are smallish Newts with a preference for aquatic environments. The most important characteristic of askards in the eyes of the Newt Fanciers, however, is the mating finery of the male; though many Newts develop a more flamboyant appearance during breeding season, the askards do so to the most dramatic degree.
Bred for: High crests, bright colors, and complex patterns; all of these traits only show up on males during the breeding season.
Call or Clamor: Generally a high-pitched whistling noise, rising and falling through two or three tones.
Stats: An askard rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a +1 bonus to Charisma, and has a base price of 100gp.

A male askard in mating finery.

Boterel

Boterels have short tails and powerful legs. Their hind legs have small keratinous protrusions -- which the Newt Fanciers refer to as their “spades" -- that allow them to dig into the ground rapidly. Unlike many of their fellow Newts, boterels spend little time in water once mature, and prefer terraria full of loose, sandy soil that mimics their natural habitat below creekbeds and ponds.
Bred for: Prominent spades, strong hind legs, and a warty skin texture.
Call or Clamor: A deep croaking noise, often accompanied by an inflating throat pouch.
Stats: A boterel rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has a 5 ft. Burrow speed and a 10 ft. Swim speed, gets a +1 bonus to Strength, and has a base price of 200gp.

Chikila

The chikila is an exotic and much-prized breed. It is one of the legless, burrowing species generally considered exceptionally valuable and difficult to find, but this variety in particular is both impressive and elusive. Chikilas are also noted for their maternal instincts; a chikila dam will dote upon and provide for her children through much of their larval stage.
Bred for: Quick burrowing, vestigial legs, long bodies.
Call or Clamor: A musical sound not unlike a simple string instrument.
Stats: A chikila rolls 2d4 times on the Traits table, has a 10 ft. Burrow speed and a 10 ft. Swim speed, gets a +1 bonus to Strength and Constitution, and has a base price of 500gp.

A chikila dam curled on top of her eggs.

Cordyl

Cordyls are smallish Newts that prefer to spend their time submerged in water. There are few unifying traits among the cordyl species, as they are an extremely common and widespread type of Newt and there are many, many different breeds of cordyl out there.
Bred for: Varies.
Call or Clamor: A sound eerily like a human scream.
Stats: A cordyl rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 100gp.

Cordyl.

Crepawn

The ideal crepawn has a vestigial tail and long hind legs, but this is only peripherally important when breeding a champion crepawn. The most important feature of the species is the presence of a small bony nodule on its brow, between its eyes; this is called the Newt's “stone".
Bred for: Large, perfectly round stones.
Call or Clamor: Something not unlike the singing of tree-frogs.
Stats: A crepawn rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has an additional headbutt attack dealing 1 damage, and has a base price of 250gp. 

Dipsa

Dipsas are the smallest of the Newt species, and the uninitiated could mistake them for strange-looking earthworms. Dipsa breeds generally have vestigial legs if they retain legs at all, and have thin, snake-like bodies only a few inches long.
Bred for: Varies, but always includes a small size and snakelike body plan.
Call or Clamor: High whistles, like a teakettle.
Stats: A dipsa rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a -1 to Strength and a +1 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 300gp.

A dipsa in its ovner's hand.

Eft

Efts are a neotenous species of Newt, that never undergo metamorphosis into their adult form -- though there are several reports of captive efts, in unusual living conditions, metamorphosing into previously-unknown breeds. It would seem that various breeds of eft have triggers that cause them to take on their otherwise-forgotten adult form. Efts reaching full size in their neotenous form have full use of their Clamor. It should be noted that the eft is an aquatic species by preference, and anyone wishing to raise efts would do well to keep this in mind for the health of the Newt.
Bred for: Long, feathery gill stalks; interesting skin patterns.
Call or Clamor: Efts generally make small burbling or babbling noises to indicate their state of mind; their Clamor is an uncomplicated ear-splitting shriek.
Stats: An eft rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 300gp.

Two efts of differing color patterns.
Photo by Robert Röhl

Gangrel

The gangrel is bred for utility rather than beauty, though breeders of gangrels usually make an effort to make them worth showing off. Gangrels are useful in that they have no range limit on the bond they have to their owner, and can find their way back to them unerringly, guided only by the psychic link a Newt and its owner possess. Similarly, they are capable of understanding complex sets of geographical directions, and can travel to locations over a mile away at their owner's instruction. They are used to deliver messages, which they can carry in small scroll-tubes strapped to their backs.
Bred for: Long legs, short tails, speed, and intelligence.
Call or Clamor: Rapid musical trills.
Stats: A gangrel rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, has a 30 ft. land speed, gets +1 to Intelligence and +2 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 400gp.

Hellbender

The hellbender is the largest of the four-legged Newts, and the second-largest overall -- surpassed only by the pythonic Minhocao. They regularly exceed a foot in length, and some truly impressive specimens exceed two feet, not including the tail. They prefer to lurk at the bottom of freshwater pools, but are capable of accompanying their owner out of the water for extended periods. Like the gangrel, they are bred for utility rather than beauty -- the elegant water features on the estate of an eccentric aristocrat may well be home to a small cadre of loyal guard-hellbenders.
Bred for: Size, power, dark & subtle color patterns.
Call or Clamor: Somewhat like the notes of a bassoon.
Stats: A hellbender rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, has a size of Tiny rather than Diminutive, gets +1 to its base attack bonus and +2 to Strength, and has a base cost of 400gp.

A hellbender at rest.
Photo credit: Bronx Zoo

Kemp

The kemp is a legless saltwater Newt, often mistaken for a small eel by the uninformed. Curiously, this species has no lungs, but breathes directly through its skin. This can make it difficult to transport out of the oceans, so those who raise or keep kemps are often obliged to invest in a special enchanted collar that allows the Newt to spend time comfortably in the open air -- where it often enjoys resting around its owner's shoulders like a thin scarf.
Bred for: Exotic color patterns, friendly demeanor.
Call or Clamor: Very much like whalesong.
Stats: A kemp rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, has a land speed of 5 ft., a Swim speed of 30 ft., and a base cost of 350gp.

A kemp with a rather plain color pattern, resting on a dock.
Photo by B.S.F. Silva

Lammig

The lammig is strange, rare, and difficult to breed successfully. It has a thin but tough membrane connecting its fore and hind legs, which allows it to glide through the air. Breeders have managed to create many varieties that are also capable of leaping impressively high, thus allowing it to almost counterfeit flight over short distances -- and a few that can actually fly, if somewhat clumsily. In addition, a lammig's long tail is tipped with a venomous stinger, making it dangerous to handle.

Bred for: Gliding capabilities.
Call or Clamor: A guttural hiss.
Stats: A lammig rolls 1d3 times on the Traits table, possesses a venomous sting that mimics the effects of Newt Poison (on the Traits table), and has a base price of 750gp. Lammigs also possess the ability to glide 5ft through the air for every 1ft they fall; there is a 50% chance that a given breed can leap several feet into the air, and a 5% chance a given breed has true flight capabilities.

Minhocao

The minhocao is the most recent addition to the exhibitions of the Newt Fanciers. For a long time, it was unknown to the world at large, as it inhabited only the deepest parts of a certain vast and untamed jungle. There, it ruled as apex predator, and few sapient beings survived meeting it. Thus, it was only relatively recently that someone who recognized it for what it was survived long enough to establish a mental bond with it and introduce the new species to society. The minhocao is legless, and in its natural environment, can be found coiled around tree branches several feet off the ground, from which it can aim its Clamor at passing beasts. A healthy adult minhocao can exceed four feet in length, and rumors persist of larger specimens in the very heart of the jungle that grow to the size of pythons.
Bred for: Size and beauty.
Call or Clamor: Their everyday vocalizations are similar to those of a mid-sized dog; their Clamor is a boneshaking roar.
Stats: A minhocao rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, gets +4 to Strength, +2 to Constitution, and -2 to Dexterity, has a 20 ft. range on its Clamor, does 4d6 damage with its Clamor, is Small rather than Diminutive, and has a base price of 1000gp.

Mollock

The mollock is another “utility" newt; it is, more than any other species raised by the Newt Fanciers, following the original purpose of the Clamoring Newts as created by the aboleths -- a personal defense weapon. Mollocks have a calm, quiet demeanor; they are happiest when napping on their owner's shoulder. A well-trained mollock, however, can go from asleep to actively Clamoring in a matter of seconds.
Bred for: Power and range of Clamor; well-behaved and calm personality.
Call or Clamor: Mollocks generally make only quiet peeps and murmurs to communicate; their Clamor is a short, sharp blast of sound.
Stats: A mollock rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, does 4d4 damage with its Clamor, and has a base price of 200gp.

Mudpuppy

Mudpuppies are among the most varied breeds of Newt in terms of appearance. They are friendly, energetic, and affectionate creatures that are often kept as beloved pets simply for their charming personality. Due to the danger of their Clamor, however, they are usually sold along with an enchanted collar that keeps them from inadvertently doing sonic damage; one can usually get by for a long time without making this purchase, as mudpuppies are not particularly aggressive, and like all Clamoring Newts, will obey their owner's instructions -- however, there is an occasional incident wherein someone who is a stranger to the mudpuppy gets an unpleasant surprise when visiting late at night. Mudpuppies generally prefer to avoid direct sunlight, and will, given the chance, retreat into the mud at the bottom of their aquarium during the midday hours.
Bred for: Varies widely, but usually with an eye towards good companionship
Call or Clamor: A wide variety of different vocalizations to communicate, but a Clamor like a wolf's howl.
Stats: A mudpuppy rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, does only 2d4 damage with its Clamor, gets a +2 to Charisma, and has a base price of 250gp.

A mudpuppy in its aquarium.

Olm

The olm is a species of pale, eyeless Newt adapted for lightless environments. They are considered the most naturally beautiful of Newt species, and all olms have the same color pattern (as shown below). Their sinuous grace is much-praised among the Newt Fanciers, and they are even the subject of a small corpus of poetry.
Bred for: Translucent flesh, graceful movement.
Call or Clamor: Quiet whispers for everyday communication; a mournful howl as its Clamor.
Stats: An olm rolls 1d6 times on the Traits table, gets +4 to Dexterity and +1 to Charisma, and has a base price of 500gp.

An olm in an underground sea.
Photo by Arne Hodalič

Ruddock

The ruddock is a fairly sedentary creature, running to slightly rounder-than-normal body plans. In its natural habitat, it remains still and camouflaged while waiting for its prey to come near; though the more exciting color patterns in ruddocks bred for the exhibition prevent it from resembling a clump of dirt or a pebble, the instinct remains. The unique feature of the ruddock species is its bite -- it is the only species of Newt that naturally has a venomous bite. For this reason, ruddocks must be carefully handled, and breeders who work with them demand high prices.
Bred for: Complex color patterns, long teeth.
Call or Clamor: Variety of croaking sounds.
Stats: A ruddock rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, inflicts Newt Poison (see Traits table) with its bite attack, and has a base price of 350gp.

Serpent

The serpent generally has vestigial legs -- if it has any at all -- and is entirely covered with glittering scales. As the only species of Newt to possess scales naturally, it is generally bred to showcase this trait.
Bred for: Bright, shining, strong scales of many colors.
Call or Clamor: A sound weirdly like laughter.
Stats: A serpent rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, has +2 natural armor, and has a base price of 250gp.

Short-tail

The short-tail, as one might expect, has only a small vestigial tail. The species also tends to have little division between its head and its body, with the result that it is often described as resembling a potato with legs. Those who breed short-tails frequently also describe them as adorable.

Bred for: Warty skin, “potato" shape.
Call or Clamor: Grumbling and chirping in everyday communication; a sharp “pah!" noise as its Clamor.
Stats: A short-tail rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, and has a base price of 100gp.

An unhappy short-tail.

Swift

The swift is a species with a long tail and quick reflexes. Over time, most breeds of swift have been selected for longer and more exaggerated tails, to the point that it is now common for a swift to have a tail two to three times the length of its body. They also have unusually-shaped heads, with bony protrusions to either side.
Bred for: Long tails, boomerang-shaped heads.
Call or Clamor: Whistles, hums, and flute-like “singing".
Stats: A swift rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets +2 to Dexterity, has a 20 ft. land speed and a 40 ft. Swim speed, and has a base price of 200gp.

Wild swifts -- without selective breeding, their tails only reach the length of their own body.
Source.

Winder

The winder has a thin body, short legs -- almost vestigial -- and a hard, streamlined head. Its tail and body are both impressively long; a winder can reach nearly two feet in length despite not being much bigger around than a common earthworm. Notably, a winder is named for the way it winds around its owner -- they are hematophagous, not unlike leeches, and will attach to a larger creature, subsisting on small amounts of its blood. They do not take enough at any one time to cause injury or ill effects from a host the size of a humanoid, so less squeamish owners allow their winders to attach to a spot on their back or shoulder and feed directly from them; others opt to keep cattle or similar handy as food sources.
Bred for: Length, various color patterns.
Call or Clamor: Snakelike hisses and high-pitched squeals.
Stats: A winder rolls 1d4 times on the Traits table, gets a +1 to Dexterity, and has a base price of 150gp.

Colors

The following recognized color patterns have specific terms associated with them, and one can roll a d100 to choose randomly when generating a Newt.

1. Aeruginous -- Streaks and speckles of blue and green.
2. Atred -- Black spots, blotches, and streaks.
3. Bald -- White head.
4. Banded -- A series of rings down the length of the body.
5. Bausond -- Very dark with white markings.
6. Bepurfurate -- A pattern of red rosettes.
7. Beryl -- Extremely pale, with specks of green.
8. Blanched -- Very pale.
9. Blushing -- Very light pink.
10. Bunt -- Patches and spots of many different colors.
11. Caesious -- Green with grey markings.
12. Carbuncly -- Red with iridescent highlights.
13. Caudal -- A single stripe down the back.
14. Cerulescent -- Mottled with various shades of blue and slightly iridescent.
15. Chrysoprase -- Green with thin streaks of other colors.
16. Cinereous -- Gray with spots.
17. Cinnabrian -- Red marks on the face.
18. Clarified -- Red shading to orange, with streaks of yellow.
19. Coccineous -- Striped with red.
20. Corbeau -- Extremely dark green.
21. Cramoisy -- Reddish with blue or purple streaks or speckles.
22. Croceous -- Yellow with red and orange markings.
23. Damasked -- A pattern of red rosettes.
24. Dapper -- Any extremely complex, multi-colored pattern that cannot be easily categorized.
25. Dappled -- White blotches.
26. Diamondback -- A row of diamonds or lozenges along the back.
27. Ebon -- Black with iridescent highlights.
28. Emeraldine -- Green with iridescent highlights.
29. Ferruginous -- Rust-colored with speckles of grey.
30. Festucine -- Pale yellow with stripes.
31. Flammeous -- A red belly.
32. Flavescent -- Yellow with iridescent highlights.
33. Flaxen -- Very light yellow.
34. Fleeten -- Very light blue.
35. Forgotten -- Blue rosettes.
36. Fuscous -- Coffee-colored.
37. Gamboge -- Mustard-colored.
38. Garled -- Spots of irregular size and shape.
39. Glaucy -- Sea-green.
40. Haematine -- Blood-red speckles or blotches.
41. Heliotrope -- An especially vivid pink.
42. Helmeted -- A dark patch on the head.
43. Hoary -- Grey.
44. Incandent -- White with iridescent highlights.
45. Incarnadine -- Bright red with pinkish markings.
46. Jacinth -- A very deep, rich purple.
47. Jaundiced -- Yellow.
48. Lateritious -- Brownish-red with a striped pattern.
49. Mazarine -- An especially vivid blue.
50. Meline -- Yellow with greenish highlights.
51. Mellifluous -- Honey-colored.
52. Miniaceous -- Red with orange spots or streaks.
53. Murrey -- A dark red shading to purple.
54. Nacarine -- Speckled in various hues of red.
55. Nacreous -- A grey that shimmers in various colors, like mother-of-pearl.
56. Oriented -- The varying shades of a sunrise.
57. Pale -- White.
58. Parchment -- The pale color of parchment.
59. Pavonaceous -- A bluish-green belly.
60. Pawed -- Feet a different color from the rest of the patterning.
61. Perse -- Dark blue with markings of grey or purple.
62. Phoeniceous -- An extremely bright red.
63. Piebald -- Black and white patches.
64. Pinned -- Thin, straight stripes.
65. Porphyry -- Purple with streaks of grey.
66. Porraceous -- Pale green stripes.
67. Prasine -- Pale green blotches.
68. Pullous -- Very dark, but not black.
69. Punctuated -- Small black spots.
70. Puniceous -- Red with highlights of purple or yellow.
71. Rosetted -- Leopard-like blotches.
72. Rubiginous -- Rust-colored.
73. Rubricated -- Red spots, blotches, and streaks.
74. Rufulous -- Red spots.
75. Rutilant -- Red speckled with light brown or dark yellow.
76. Sable -- Black.
77. Sanguine -- Blood-red.
78. Sapphirine -- Blue with iridescent highlights.
79. Shanked -- Legs a different color from the rest of the patterning.
80. Skewbald -- Brown and white patches.
81. Smaragdine -- An especially vivid green.
82. Spadiceous -- Brown with streaks of red.
83. Stippled -- Small, hard-to-see spots.
84. Sulphureous -- Patches in various shades of yellow.
85. Supercilious -- A mark over one or both eyes.
86. Testaceous -- A reddish, terracotta-esque color.
87. Torquate -- A ring around the neck.
88. Torrid -- Black with specks or highlights of grey, red, and brown.
89. Trimaculate -- A grouping of three spots on the head.
90. Trivirgate -- Exactly three stripes.
91. Tuly -- Thin stripes of reddish shades.
92. Verdant -- Complex patterns in various shades of green.
93. Verdigris -- Green with coppery flecks.
94. Vermiculated -- Wavy lines.
95. Vertical -- Green stripes.
96. Vinaceous -- The color of red wine.
97. Virent -- Green spots.
98. Vittate -- Striped.
99. Watchet -- Green highlights.
100. Yteiled -- Tail a different color from the rest of the patterning.

Traits

This list of traits is slightly edited -- I've removed many of the options that are characteristic of Newt species, now that I have that aspect written, and added more weird heritage options, which probably result from use of the aforementioned potions of indiscriminate fecundity⁴. This list also includes terms to describe many of the traits, which might be used in the name of the breed; some have no terms associated with them, because they lack notability, are something the eftmonger might be unaware of, or are something they might not want to advertise. Each also includes a modifier to the base price of the Newt, for the further... enjoyment of your players. Naturally, it is still numbered for use as a d100 table.

1. Amphisbaenic -- Has an extra head. -- price +500gp
2. Anarchic -- Has heritage from the planes of chaos. -- price x2
3. Anoneiric -- Doesn't sleep. -- price x1.5
4. Armored -- Has very thick scales; +2 natural AC. -- price x1.5
5. Axiomatic -- Has heritage from the planes of law. -- price x2
6. Bifurcate -- Has a forked tail. -- no price modifier
7. Bitter -- Spits acid; 10-ft range, 1d4 damage. -- price x2
8. Carnassial -- Has very long fangs; increase bite damage by one die type. -- price x1.5
9. Chattering -- Is very vocal, and mutters to itself constantly. -- no price modifier
10. Clawed -- Has sharp claws. Rar! (Add two 1-damage claw attacks.) -- price x1.5
11. Crested -- Has a crest along its back. -- no price modifier
12. Cryptic -- Can change color like a chameleon. -- price +500gp
13. Cunning -- Has an extra minor magical ability; pick a 0-level spell off the Sorcerer/Wizard spell list at random; it's a 1/day spell-like ability. -- price x1.5
14. Diabolical -- Has fiendish blood. -- price x2
15. Draconic -- Has draconic blood. -- price x2
16. Echoing -- Can echolocate. -- price +250gp
17. Eldritch -- Generates infrasound; instead of deafening or dazing targets, its Clamor has an effect like that of cause fear. -- price +150gp
18. Emulous -- Engages in parrot-like mimicry. -- price +100gp
19. Ensate -- Has a large, flat, paddle-shaped tail; double swim speed. -- price +100gp
20. Fanged -- Is venomous; can use its fangs to inject Newt Poison. -- price x1.5
21. Feathered -- Has long, feathery external gill stalks. Look at the pretty little guy! -- price +100gp
22. Flagelliferous -- Has a tail at least twice the length of its body. -- no price modifier
23. Fodient -- Digs a lot; add a burrow speed of 5 ft. If it already has a burrow speed, double that speed. -- price +200gp
24. Foul -- Secretes awful-smelling muck when disturbed. -- no price modifier
25. Frilled -- Has a neck frill. -- no price modifier
26. Fugal -- Can create hypnotic patterns on its skin. -- price x1.5
27. Galling -- Is incredibly poisonous. With patience and care, one can collect enough of its skin secretions to make one dose of Newt Poison each day. (Newt Poison, which is more poisonous to people than it is to newts, is administered by ingestion. Fort DC: 12, onset: 10 minutes, frequency: 1/minute for 10 minutes, effect: 1d4 Str, cure: 2 saves.) -- price x2
28. Galvanic -- Can generate an electric shock; 1d4 damage, touch only. -- price x1.5
29. Glass -- Has transparent flesh. -- price +150gp
30. Globular -- Inflates like a blowfish. -- price +200gp
31. Grave -- Has an especially low-pitched tone; the area of effect of its Clamor is a 5-foot radius. -- price +100gp
32. Great -- Is unusually large; increase size category by one. -- price x1.5
33. Gregarious -- Is highly social; always encountered in groups of four or more.  -- no price modifier, but the eftmonger will try and convince you to buy a bunch of them for the psychological health of your Newt.
34. Cowled -- Has a large, bulbous head. -- no price modifier
35. Hollow -- Has an expandable stomach and swallows things many times its own size. -- price +200gp
36. Horned -- Has horns. -- no price modifier
37. Hunting -- Has a sense of smell like a bloodhound.  -- price +300gp
38. Keen -- Has an especially high-pitched tone; the area of effect of its Clamor is a 20-foot line. -- price +100gp
39. Lambitating -- Can shoot its tongue out of its mouth to catch insects. -- no price modifier
40. Longshanked -- Has long legs; double speed. -- price +100gp
41. Nettled -- Stings if you touch it; 1d4 damage. -- price +100gp
42. Ocular -- Has particularly big eyes. -- no price modifier
43. Piked -- Has spines; add a melee attack for 1d4 damage.  -- price x1.5
44. Piping -- Can squeak like a mouse. -- no price modifier
45. Plated -- Is segmented like an earthworm. -- no price modifier
46. Polypod -- Has an extra pair of legs. -- price +300gp
47. Prognathous -- Has a long, thin, gharial-esque jaw. -- no price modifier
48. Pygmy -- Is unusually small; decrease size category by one. Tiny baby! -- price x1.5
49. Quirking -- Can croak like a frog. -- no price modifier
50. Rheuming -- Can spit mucus ten feet. -- price +100gp
51. Ribboned -- Uses rippling fins on the side of its body to swim around. -- price +50gp
52. Ridged -- Has alligator-like bony plating; +3 natural AC.  -- price x2
53. Salient -- Can jump several feet in the air. -- price +150gp
54. Scaled -- Has scales; +1 natural AC. -- price +150gp
55. Scandent -- Climbs trees; add a 5ft. climb speed. If it already has a climb speed, double that speed. -- price +200gp
56. Scutted -- Has an extra tail. -- price +150gp
57. Seraphic -- Has celestial blood.  -- price x2
58. Setose -- Can walk up walls. -- price x1.5
59. Shimmering -- Is bioluminescent and can flash complicated light-shows on its skin. -- price +250gp
60. Shining -- Is bioluminescent. -- price +100gp
61. Shivering -- Can break glass or crystal with its Clamor. -- price +50gp
62. Silent -- Is silent; Clamor deals force damage rather than sonic, and always dazes rather than deafens. -- price x3
63. Singing -- Sings like a tree-frog. -- no price modifier
64. Slangrel -- Is especially long and thin, like a snake. Or a shoelace. -- no price modifier
65. Spawling -- Can spit jets of water with frightening precision; 10ft range, 1 damage. -- price +200gp
66. Spectacled -- Has an extra pair of eyes. -- price +250gp
67. Splendid -- Is bioluminescent and slightly magical; casts light on itself 3/day as a spell-like ability. -- price +500gp
68. Syndactyl -- Has long, webbed digits; double swim speed. -- price +100gp
69. Trumpeting -- Is particularly loud; add 1d6 to Clamor damage and increase the save DC by 2. -- price x3
70. Vampiric -- Feeds by sucking the blood out of its prey. -- no price modifier
71. Vermiceous -- Has wee tentacles on either side of its mouth. -- no price modifier
72. Vespertine -- Can see in the dark; replace low-light vision with darkvision. -- price +100gp
73. Viscous -- Is extra slimy. -- no price modifier
74. Visionary -- Secretes hallucinogens. Wanna lick? -- price +500gp
75. Visive -- Has bulging eyes. -- no price modifier
76. Volitant -- Can glide through the air on skin flaps. -- price x1.5
77. Wenned -- Is all warty. -- no price modifier
78. Whispering -- Can hiss like a snake. -- no price modifier
79. Whistling -- Makes complex whistling noises. -- no price modifier
80. n/a -- Bites like hell; will attack anything in reach other than its master. -- no price modifier
81. n/a -- Can cause permanent deafness with its Clamor. -- price +200gp
82. n/a -- Can form hive-minds with other Clamorous Newts (does not work if the Newts are bonded to two different people). -- no price modifier, and the eftmonger probably doesn't know about it.
83. n/a -- Can see into the infrared. -- no price modifier
84. n/a -- Can see into the ultraviolet. -- no price modifier
85. n/a -- Can track prey by body heat. -- price +50gp
86. n/a -- Has a taste for human(oid) flesh. Watch your fingers. -- no price modifier, and the eftmonger won't tell you.
87. n/a -- Has developed a particularly complex skin pattern. -- no price modifier
88. n/a -- Has elemental blood. -- price x2
89. n/a -- Has no sense of loyalty and might attack at any time. -- no price modifier, and even if the eftmonger knew, he wouldn't tell you.
90. n/a -- Has non-amphibian heritage bred into it. -- price x1.5
91. n/a -- Has the Ability Focus feat. -- price x2
92. n/a -- Is albino. -- price +500gp
93. n/a -- Is extra friendly. -- no price modifier
94. n/a -- Is of an especially striking hue. -- no price modifier
95. n/a -- Is particularly attentive; +2 Perception. -- price x1.5
96. n/a -- Is unusually fast; increase Dex by 2. -- price x1.5
97. n/a -- Is unusually smart; increase Int by 2. -- price x1.5
98. n/a -- Is unusually strong; increase Str by 2. -- price x1.5
99. n/a -- Is unusually tough; increase Con by 2. -- price x1.5
100. n/a -- Roll twice and combine; reroll contradictions. -- n/a

Examples

Lysinkan Ebon Hellbender

This breed of Newt is a massive creature, whose skin displays the weird sheen of an oil slick. The Ebon Hellbender is the size of a large cat or a small dog, and is more physically dangerous than your standard Newt; it has a Strength of 5, a Base Attack of +1, a CMB of +2, and a CMD of 6. It is considered the perfect breed to keep as a guard-Newt: not only is it large and dangerous; but its unusually high-pitched Clamor allows it to precisely target any intruders while not waking the residents of the home (its Clamor is a 20-foot line rather than a cone); and it has been known to get maliciously creative when it can no longer Clamor, spitting mucus into the eyes of potential burglars from several feet away (see “Rheuming"); it is also said to have access to a greater range of vision than the human, making it difficult to sneak past (UV sight). An Ebon Hellbender will generally cost around 600gp, but eftmongers will often talk up the fame of the breed in an attempt to get a higher price.

McPhee's Salient Olm

The Salient Olm is a popular, if expensive, pet breed among those who appreciate the pale, eyeless beauty of the olm but think its sinuous grace and mournful calls are a bit much. The Salient Olm is a breed that, rather than twist through dark water singing songs of loss, leaps about and makes happy little croaking noises. It is an exceptionally small creature, with the size (and the jumping ability) of a cricket. Its skin is segmented, somewhat like an earthworm, and it has a crest along its back that sticks straight up when it is in a particularly good mood. A Salient Olm has a Dexterity of 21 and a Charisma of 3; it also has a CMB of -4 and a CMD of 3. The recognized market price for a Salient Olm is 975gp, but eftmongers tend to start the haggling at well over 1000gp and hope that the friendly olm chirping and leaping in its terrarium will charm the mark into accepting their price.

---

1. One might say they... clamor for it.

2. Such as various items with permanent silence effects, rings of sonic resistance, and the useful potions of indiscriminate fecundity -- often the only way to crossbreed Newts from divergent bloodlines.
3. This term comes from the accepted practice of selling Clamorous Newts when they are still young and unable to do much damage with their Clamor if the new owner proves unable to control them. (“Eft" is the term for a newt in the life stage between tadpole and adult.)
4. Excessive use of such is considered rather classless and gauche, and most Newt Fanciers frown on screwing around with non-Newt species.